Matt Lauer Pens Letter Confirming That He Likes To Put It In The Dirty Place

Raise your hand if you like anal!

The following is an excerpt from Matt Lauer’s 1,400 word note, where he is defending himself against rape allegations.

“I had an extramarital affair with Brooke Nevils in 2014. It began when she came to my hotel room very late one night in Sochi, Russia. We engaged in a variety of sexual acts. We performed oral sex on each other, we had vaginal sex, and we had anal sex.

Well, if you were just sitting there wondering whether or not Matt Lauer likes anal sex, you can wonder no more. And, if you’ve been following the whole Matt Lauer sex saga, then you know this guy has had more sex at work than I’ve had in my entire life. He allegedly had a button that would lock people in, or, depending on how you look at it, maybe it was just to lock people out while he continued pounding away. Either way, that has to be creepy when you walk into his office, and he goes ‘hold on a sec’, reaching under his desk until you hear the lock go “click” behind you. One minute you think you’re just going in there to brief him on the ratings, and the next thing you know you’re wiping off your face with an NBC cocktail napkin.

Imagine working in that environment at NBC? Everyone sits down for yet another pointless meeting, then the production manager looks down at his watch and lets out a big sigh. “Looks like Matt’s running late again. He must be, uhh, you know, gathering some last minute notes for today’s segment.” Then the whole fucking room erupts in laughter, because they know he’s down the hall splitting yet another colleague in half.

Matt walks into the meeting… “woah, sorry I’m late everybody, I was, uh, gathering some last minute notes for today’s segment.” Just then, you see a custodian shaking his head and muttering to himself as he pushes a mop bucket towards Matt’s office.

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2 thoughts on “Matt Lauer Pens Letter Confirming That He Likes To Put It In The Dirty Place”

  1. His comment makes it seem like
    1 he goes all night who is next
    2 he has a vag (what’s this we sht)

    1. “we had vaginal sex.”

      Another great point. You can almost picture him penning this thing (with his PR team) going “what’s the best way to put it? She allowed me vaginal sex? One of us had vaginal sex and the other person did penis sex? FUCK how did I end up here!”

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