Meat Pounder In The News!

Hi, I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach, and when all else fails, masturbating in Applebee’s.

Georgia (where else?) – Police in Thomasville, Georgia, arrested Timothy Dugan after witnesses saw him watching porn and fondling himself in an Applebee’s, of all places. After initially drawing straws to see who would ask the man to leave, employees had no choice but to call police who arrived on the scene to find ol’ Knuckles Dugan hiding out in a nearby bush. The irony there being, given his predilection to watching porn while eating Applebee’s Riblets (which are underrated by the way), this is the only way he’s actually going to be entering any bush. Anyway, there’s a 911 call I’d like to hear:

Dispatcher: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Applebee’s Employee: “There’s a customer here chokin’ his chicken.”

Dispatcher: “oh nooo, the bacon cheddar grilled sandwich or the Nashville Hot chicken?”

Applebee’s: “No, he ain’t chokin’ on no sandwich, I mean he’s here right now jerkin’ off in the bar.”

Dispatcher: “(sigh) Again? All units, all units, be advised, we have got a situation at Applebee’s where a perpetrator appears to be choking his chicken.”

Patrolman: “oh nooo! The chicken club, or…”

To be continued…

Anyway, how horny do you have to be to jack off in an Applebee’s? I know the wait from the time you order to the time your food arrives can feel like a lifetime, but I’ve never been waiting for my appetizers and thought “you know what, there might just be enough time to watch a bj.” When you factor in all the sadness at Applebee’s, emanating from patrons and employees alike, coupled with your own alcohol intake, it’s hard to even imagine trying to make a woody happen there. When you stop and really think about it, that’s like the last place you could imagine masturbating. There are some other locations that kinda make sense, you know, the usual haunts: a rest area, the public library, a tanning bed, etc., but an Applebee’s?! What a disgrace. This is a family establishment! Their slogan is “Eatin’ Good In The Neighborhood”, but for Timmy “Two Tugs” Dugan, he’ll apparently pass on the meal and just keep on Beatin’ it good.

Got a tip? Send it to martin@wickedimproper.com

Thanks?

Please follow and like us:

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *