Well, if you’re like me, when I heard that Qassam Soleimani was killed, I figured he must have had some dirt on Kevin Spacey. But no, no, he was yet another terrorist who President Trump looked up from his twitter account long enough to decide it was time to turn into a piece of burnt shish kebab.
As if the steady whistle of an inbound drone strike being the last thing you ever heard wasn’t bad enough, as a final slap to the face, Soleimani’s remains were packed in cardboard and taped up like an Amazon package, and then stuffed into coach on some discounted airline. At least with Bin Laden, they (supposedly) fired him off into the ocean floor like a human torpedo for one final “wheeeee!” Anyway, I’m not sure how it all works, like by law, do the flight attendants still have to offer Qassam earphones and a drink? I’ve never flown with a dead body, but you have to admit, it would be kind of humorous to hear them walk by like “sir, please return your tray and seatback to the upright….oh…nevermind.”
Meanwhile, the liberals and “news” media are all crying about WWIII, and yet, when I look out my window, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, women are walking their dogs while wearing yoga pants (the women, not the dogs), and all appears to be well. That was the fastest world war like ever.
We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one!
p.s. Speaking of the lamestream media, whatever happened to the caravans of people making their way to our southern border? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Georgia (where else?) – Police in Thomasville, Georgia, arrested Timothy Dugan after witnesses saw him watching porn and fondling himself in an Applebee’s, of all places. After initially drawing straws to see who would ask the man to leave, employees had no choice but to call police who arrived on the scene to find ol’ Knuckles Dugan hiding out in a nearby bush. The irony there being, given his predilection to watching porn while eating Applebee’s Riblets (which are underrated by the way), this is the only way he’s actually going to be entering any bush. Anyway, there’s a 911 call I’d like to hear:
Dispatcher: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Applebee’s Employee: “There’s a customer here chokin’ his chicken.”
Dispatcher: “oh nooo, the bacon cheddar grilled sandwich or the Nashville Hot chicken?”
Applebee’s: “No, he ain’t chokin’ on no sandwich, I mean he’s here right now jerkin’ off in the bar.”
Dispatcher: “(sigh) Again? All units, all units, be advised, we have got a situation at Applebee’s where a perpetrator appears to be choking his chicken.”
Patrolman: “oh nooo! The chicken club, or…”
To be continued…
Anyway, how horny do you have to be to jack off in an Applebee’s? I know the wait from the time you order to the time your food arrives can feel like a lifetime, but I’ve never been waiting for my appetizers and thought “you know what, there might just be enough time to watch a bj.” When you factor in all the sadness at Applebee’s, emanating from patrons and employees alike, coupled with your own alcohol intake, it’s hard to even imagine trying to make a woody happen there. When you stop and really think about it, that’s like the last place you could imagine masturbating. There are some other locations that kinda make sense, you know, the usual haunts: a rest area, the public library, a tanning bed, etc., but an Applebee’s?! What a disgrace. This is a family establishment! Their slogan is “Eatin’ Good In The Neighborhood”, but for Timmy “Two Tugs” Dugan, he’ll apparently pass on the meal and just keep on Beatin’ it good.
The lord works in mysterious ways, and this time his mysterious way was to wash this dude off the mountainside with a 16 million gallon rogue wave. This guy gets absolutely rinsed, and tbh, I currently have zero update for you on whether or not he even survived. In the meantime, add “never walk on nine story cliffs that are clearly soaked with previous waves and slippery algae” to my list of new years resolutions.
NY Post – Florida (Where Else?) A Florida man was arrested for allegedly masturbating onto a woman who was shopping with her 12-year-old son in Walmart, a report said.Elias Flor, 19, is accused of the sick act at one of the retail giant’s locations in Winter Haven about 6:30 p.m. Friday, thesmokinggun.com reported, citing a police affidavit.
The creep spotted the pair in the toy section and “unzipped his pants, pulled out his penis and approached the victim,” the report said.While the woman was facing the toy display, Flor pleasured himself in plain sight of the young boy, cops said.
The “distressed” child alerted his mom showed her what Flor had done. The mother then contacted store management, police said.Flor fled the store before police arrived, but he turned himself the following night and admitted to cops to masturbating onto the victim, the report said.
He was charged with battery and lewd/lascivious exhibition by a person.
Well, lewd/lascivious exhibition by “a person” might be a bit of a stretch. I’m not sure about you guys, but I don’t know any persons like this. Yeah, I have a few buddies that tug it off on the reg, but not out in public or anything. We’ve certainly come a long way from seeing an attractive woman and saying “lovely day, isn’t it?” as we tip our caps, to now guys are just throwing batches around like they’re Miggs from “Silence of the Lambs.”
A burning question I have: WHERE ARE THE SURVEILLANCE VIDEOS?
Now, do I want to see a guy climax on a woman’s leg? Well, maybe in the privacy of my own home, but not in the toy aisle of a classy establishment like Walmart I don’t. The key phrase here is Elias “fled the store”, and while the NY Post article doesn’t mention it, you and I both know he fled the store with a boner. On average, after climax, it takes the male penis (that used to be redundant, but now there are some females with penises, I guess) anywhere from 2 to 5 minutes to deflate itself back down to where it just looks pathetic again. Do you have any idea how hard it is to run while trying to hide a boner? Don’t ask how I know, but your arms aren’t free to naturally swing and propel your body forward, so if one (or, as in my case, both) hands are covering your bonesie, it basically feels like you are trying to run while wearing a straight jacket.
Anyway, wouldn’t you love to see the video of this guy turning himself in? Like, how does that conversation even go? He walks into the local police station, and the cops are like “Hey, how can we help? Have you been in an accident? Have you lost your dog?” and this guy is like “No, I think there may be an outstanding warrant for my arrest because I shot jizz at a woman in Walmart last night.”
If there’s a positive to take away from any of this, it’s that we finally have a shooting in a Walmart where no one got killed.
We are calling it. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign is all but over. So, it’s official, but like, official official this time. Yeah, he’s still gonna show up at the debate circus, and you can bet your ass he’s not going to turn off the inbound donations faucet. The only explanation that I can come up with after watching this video seventy times is, either Joe Biden is slowly losing his ability to keep his train of thought (which is sad), or, he is intentionally behaving senile to avoid potential future prosecution (which is pure genius.)
Now, the man you are about to watch in this video simply cannot be the Democratic nominee. Even though I would pay to watch, the debates against Trump would be an absolute bloodbath for Joe. Please watch and then leave your comments below with the odds of Joe winning the nomination.
The video you are about to witness pretty much sums up American politics in just twenty seconds. This fart on live tv by Eric Swalwell gives a whole new meaning to politicians blowing hot air. Now, I’ve reviewed this video like it was the Zapruder film, and when I slowed down the frame rate, you can clearly see him pause, furrow his brow, lean forward, and push to contract his lower GI walls. In addition, I isolated the audio of the sound (i.e. the fart) and listened to it over seven hundred times, and while some are saying it was a faulty microphone, it was, in my expert opinion, a natural, yet untimely bodily function. If you would like to debate this with me, please invite me on your podcast.
Naturally, both Rep. Swalwell (a democrat) and the producers of Hardball/Shartball are denying this literally gross injustice. There is no comment yet, but viewers can rest assured this fart was the result of yet another taxpayer funded lunch.
Steve Easterbrook, who had been the fast food giant’s CEO since 2015, was fired from the company after its board of directors found that he violated McDonald’s policy, it said in a statement. The burger chain’s board found that Easterbrook, 52, “demonstrated poor judgment involving a recent consensual relationship with an employee.”
Per company policy, McDonald’s would not comment on the employee or details surrounding the relationship. However, a source says there were whispers among corporate offices that the employee was none other than Grimace. Said the source: “Yeah, every once in a while, Steve would walk in late to our meetings with his hands and lips all purple. We figured he just ate a jelly donut or something, but we’d still bust his balls and ask if he had been blowing Grimace again. Well, we’re not joking around now.” He added “We didn’t even think it was possible, because Grimace is just kinda this big stuffed animal, but who knows, I guess if it pulls up its’ belly or whatever, maybe there’s like a purple dick under there.”
These are the first allegations of misconduct at McDonald’s since the summer of 2018, when Mayor McCheese and the Hamburglar were accused of inappropriate behavior in the backseat of an Uber Black. At the time, the driver, who spoke to us under the condition of anonymity, said “I overheard the Hamburglar saying he had pictures of the Mayor in compromising situations with Captain Crook. He said he was going to release the pictures (to the popular McDonald’s gossip outlet TMcZ) unless he was willing to, um, you know, and these are his words, not mine, ‘gurgle my hamburgle.’ Of course, there is no window divider in Uber, so I just focused on the road and turned up my radio. When the ride was over, they gave me five stars and a 20% tip, but I asked the Hamburglar to leave his scarf and gloves behind so I could wipe up his special sauce.”
Grimace, whose gender is unknown but apparently leans towards male by using the pronouns “Gre/Grim”, could not be reached for comment. The company’s share price closed at $194 on Friday, up 9.2% for the year.
NY POST – A 21-year-old man born with nine toes on his left foot finally had the four extra digits surgically removed after a lifetime of living with the deformity.The man, who doctors identified only as Ajun, told news service Asia Wire that his parents were reluctant to do the surgery when he was a baby — since a fortune teller claimed the extra toes were “a gift from the heavens.”
Though he was able to walk, Ajun, a native of Lufeng City in South China’s Guangdong Province, spent his life ashamed to wear sandals. It impacted his social life and mental health.“I’ve never had a girlfriend because I’m so imperfect,” he said. “I never thought I’d find anyone who wants to be with me.”
“Other hospitals would’ve just removed his outermost extra toes,” his doctor, Wu Xiang said. “That would’ve been the easiest solution, but it wouldn’t look the best. His most natural looking toe is on the outside, so we decided to migrate it inwards to its most ideal position, replacing his fifth digit and creating a new big toe.”
But it was worth it. Ajun said he’s thrilled with the operation. He’ll recover in the hospital for a few more weeks. “I think my foot is perfect.”
I’m genuinely happy for Ajun. Up until this surgery, you couldn’t play “This little piggy went to the market” with this dude, otherwise you would have been there all damn day. You might actually lose count and have to start over again. “Then this little piggy went…god damn it, Ajun, stop moving your foot foot around.” I can’t even imagine what he went thru at the local nail salon, they must have had a special pricing menu like “Manicure: $30, Pedicure: $30, Ajun Pedicure: $45.”
It’s sad to think that even in Guangdong, bros are so self conscious about their abnormalities they feel like they can’t go out in public, meet babes, do the two step, etc. I honestly feel like he could have harnessed this special power to do great things. Can you even imagine his time trials in the 200 meter butterfly stroke with that flipper, just ripping thru the water like a torpedo? Or, how much of a beast he would be at Hacky Sack? You think the sacks gonna hit the ground today, nope, Ajun is keeping the action going all day and night with that dinner plate.
Anyway, he had the extra toes hacked off, and he’ll be able to wear regular shoes as he tracks down real love. Even though your foot is perfect now, don’t worry Ajun, a woman will still find something about you she needs to fix. I do find it rather curious there’s no mention in the story of where the other piece of that foot goes. Yeah, they toss it in a biohazard bin, I get it, but after that, then what? The incinerator? Maybe they should put it on ice in case someone comes thru the doors who only has half a foot, that way they can be like “wow, do I have some good news for you.”
As a public service announcement, with regards to child care, we would highly recommend you visit a medically trained physician. The only time you should visit a fortune teller is if you identify as a complete rube.
Syracuse News – It was supposed to be a day of celebration. On Saturday afternoon, six members of an Iowa family gathered outside a rural Knoxville, Iowa, home for what society has dubbed a “gender reveal” party. Among the six was a pregnant woman. Her family was there to learn the sex of her baby.
But the reveal – which involved a homemade explosive device – went horribly wrong, shooting metal shrapnel toward the family standing 45 feet away.Pamela Kreimeyer, 56, was struck in the head. She died on impact, officials said.
“Gender reveal” parties have become an obsession for people trying find creative ways to tell the world the sex of the baby they are expecting. Often, these grand reveals are made for social media moments that involve displays of pink or blue. That’s what the Kreimeyer family had planned for.
The family had welded a homemade stand, which was filled with gunpowder, to a metal base. They drilled a hole for a fuse and placed a piece of wood on top of the metal stand. Colored powder was then layered on top of the wood.Then, they put tape on top of the entire assembly, which “inadvertently created a pipe bomb,” authorities said.Around 4 p.m. Saturday, they lit the fuse.
Rather than shooting the colored powder into the air, the contraption exploded outward. A piece of metal struck Pamela Kreimeyer in the head before landing in a nearby field, according to the sheriff’s department.The explosion remains under investigation.
Under investigation? The investigation is over. Some Iowa folks who had only goodness in their hearts accidentally created a pipe bomb, and the pipe bomb did what pipe bombs do: explode. Now is not the time for lingering questions about the family’s decision to assemble a keg of TNT like Wile E. Coyote.
Despite the fact I have no legal jurisdiction to do so, nor do I have a law enforcement background to speak of or any connection to this case, I am formally closing it. Sorry for this grandma to be, sorry for the cop who had to go looking for that piece of metal that ricocheted off her head and into the nearby field, sorry for everyone involved. But we, as a society, have to stop this kind of narcissistic “look at me! look at us!” behavior. You’re having a baby, congrats, it’s not that hard to make one. We’ve all been there before, you get all gussied up and head out for a nice evening at Golden Corral. Maybe it’s payday, maybe you go dutch, or who knows, maybe there’s a blue moon tonight and she picks up the tab. Either way, there’s nothing like looking into her eyes after some fine cuisine and she gives you that look that says “take me, take me now, on top of the perpetual chocolate fountain in front of the other guests.” You don’t, because you know one more strike in this place earns you a lifetime ban, but you find somewhere you can have privacy, like a dead end road, or maybe you have some points saved up at the Motel 6. Then, you’re making the sweetest of love in that after dinner glow, when, whoops a daisy doo, it felt so good you accidentally left it in there. Fine. But, why the need to “get creative” when revealing the gender? Just say “we’re having a boy” or “we’re having a girl”, and get ready for at least 18 years of pure joy and digging yourself into a $300,000 hole to raise it.
Now, you want a gender reveal story, I’ll give you a gender reveal story. I’m the youngest of six kids, and when my Mom told my dad she was pregnant with me, he didn’t say “Yay! Let’s fill a balloon with pink or blue baby powder and then pop it to surprise our friends with the gender!” he said “holy shit, how are we gonna feed another fuckin’ mouth around here?”
Great question, he should have thought of that one while he was up to the devil’s business. Anyway, I’m here now and it’s obviously too late to put me back in. In hindsight, I find my existence to be somewhat ironic, considering I was conceived on a pull-out couch.