Models Banned From World Series And All They Did Was Show Some Titties

Thoughts and Prayers to those three remaining buttons

NY POST – Shagmag founder Julia Rose and brand executive Lauren Summer have been banned indefinitely by Major League Baseball after flashing Astros pitcher Gerrit Cole during Game 5 of the World Series on Sunday night.

They received a letter which read “During the game, you violated the fan code of conduct by exposing yourself during the 7th inning, in order to promote a business,” the letter read. It appears the women were promoting breast cancer awareness.

League spokesperson Michael Teevan confirmed to USA Today that the women had been banned, noting MLB “distributed a letter to the individuals in question, and the letter set for an indefinite ban for each.”

Fellow attendee Kayla Lauren, who also sported a yellow Shagmag T-shirt at the game, later posted a bathroom selfie seemingly following the incident. “Just got kicked out of the World Series. In police HQ bathroom still gotta get that birthday selfie,” she shared on her Instagram story.

The interruption didn’t appear to deter the Astros, who went on to defeat the Nationals 7-1. Houston now leads the series 3-2.

Boston, MA – Besides being born looking really good with little to no effort, the best thing to ever happen to these chicks is being banned from the World Series. They should actually reply and ask to be banned from all games, forever. Baseball, as a sport, and as a national pastime anyway, is nearly dead. The league should actually thank these brave women for their wonderful service and encourage others (only those who are capable, those who are not, you know who you are) to follow suit. As a fan of the sport of baseball, you are essentially paying ridiculous amounts of money to see a guy try to hit a ball over a fence. That’s it. If the ball goes over the fence, everyone in the stands (who had nothing to do with it) goes fucking bananas as if this is something they haven’t seen 87,000 times before. If the ball doesn’t go over the fence, well, that’s okay, because the players can still advance one base at a time through various scenarios, all of which are likely to put you to sleep.

In my last experience visiting Fenway, it was $50 to park, $150 for the ticket, $9 for a beer, then I went and sat down in seats that must have been built when the average height of a human being was 4’7″. My knees were absolutely crushed into the seat in front of me, but it was the good kind of pain, because it helped to keep my mind off the fact the guy behind me basically had his warm privates touching my neck. At first I was thinking, “Please be a giant foam finger. Please be a giant foam finger.”, and then I slowly turned my head to discover the grim reality: It was his ballbag.

Anyway, all Major League Baseball has to do to improve sinking ratings and put more asses in the seats is to allow hot chicks to do whatever they want at the stadium. That’s all these heroes were trying to do, and not all heroes wear capes, or in this case, shirts. Oh, MLB might also consider updating their old ass song to this:

🎵 Take me out to the ballgame,

take me out where it’s lame,

buy me some peanuts and hold on a sec,

would you look at those two fuckin hot chicks,

for it’s one, two, yep two pairs of boobs,

at my new, favorite, gaaaame! 🎵

For more information about ShagMag, please visit www.shagmag.com and say goodbye to your afternoon.

For more information about how you can save 3 hours a day times 162 games which equals 20 DAYS A YEAR, simply stop watching baseball.

Man Charged With Stealing Tom Brady’s Shirt From The Patriots Hall of Fame

Would it be okay if I wore the shirt for the mug shot?

FOXBORO (CBS) – A Rhode Island man is accused of stealing items from the Patriots Hall of Fame at Gillette Stadium – but he didn’t get very far. The man was captured in the parking lot wearing a game-worn Tom Brady jersey.

On Thursday, Foxboro Police Officer Joseph Godino and Sgt. David Foscaldo helped Patriots security find 33-year-old Zanini Cineus of Providence in the plaza parking lot. He was allegedly wearing the stolen Brady jersey under his jacket. Foxboro Police said Cineus stole other memorabilia as well.

He was arrested and charged with larceny. He reportedly pleaded not guilty at his arraignment in Wrentham District Court. According to the Attleboro Sun Chronicle, the Brady jersey is worth $10,000.

I feel like we need more information on this, with regards to the lack of security at the Patriots Hall of Fame. I’ve actually never been there, nor have I been to any other Halls of Fame, nor could you pay me to go to any of them. Can you imagine going to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, where they must have solid security, and the guide is like “These are the black leather pants Gene Simmons wore during the Kiss farewell tour. Ah yes, here we have Vince Neil’s assless chaps. Just to your right are a couple of Mick Jagger’s tank tops. Of course, we put these items in a glass case so they can’t be stolen, but also so no one catches HPV.”

Think about it: How much fun do you suppose you’d have at the Basketball Hall of Fame? You’re gonna walk around for hours looking at a couple of pairs of Chuck Taylors, and the original peach basket they used for a hoop? The whole time they’re playing looping audio of basketballs going “swish” thru a net, and the unmistakable sound of sneaker soles chirping off wooden floors? If the guide asks if there are any questions, I’d be like “yes, could you direct me to the gun exhibit now because I’d like to take my own life.”

Anyway, I demand answers to this question: Who is in charge of security at the Patriots Hall of Fame, Paul Blart? Isn’t Tom Brady’s shirt(s) locked in a glass case and mounted on a wall thirty feet off the floor, that way when people look at it they are also kind of looking up at heaven? How did a commoner walk into this place, and simply try on a $10,000 shirt like he was in a fucking TJ Maxx? You think someone can just walk into Dollywood and try on one of the bras? This is an outrage!

This theft is the same thing as someone going into the L’ouvre and walking out wearing Jesus Christ’s sandals. Using that same Patriots Hall of Fame level of security, they’d be like “woah, someone walked off with Jesus’ Birkenstocks”, then by the time they find the guy he’s out in the parking lot listening to Phish and playing hacky sack.

I will not rest peacefully until someone is fired for this. You want to take a little nap in the security booth while someone steals Steve Grogan’s neck roll or John Hannah’s jockstrap, be my guest, but you guard Tom Brady’s shirt like your god damned life depends on it.

Massachusetts Tries To Pass A Law Which Makes It Illegal To Call Someone A “Bitch” Unless That Someone Happens To Be A Dog

National Review: On Tuesday, Massachusetts legislators considered a bill that would criminalize certain uses of the word “bitch” — making it punishable by up to six months in jail or a fine up to $200.

The bill, introduced a month ago by state Democratic representative Dan Hunt, states that “a person who uses the word ‘bitch’ directed at another person to accost, annoy, degrade or demean the other person shall be considered to be a disorderly person” and would be guilty of a criminal offense punishable by “a fine of not more than either $150 or $200, or jail time of up to six months.” The offense could be reported not only by the person being called a bitch, but also a third-party witness.

First, I’ve never really understood fining someone who is going to jail or prison for a substantial amount of time. You always hear about some guy getting sentenced for twenty years and also “may face a $10,000 fine.” You think a guy who just spent the last two decades in prison is going to walk out the doors, remember the fine, and start patting his pockets going “oh, now what have I done with my checkbook?” The fine should be kind of lumped in with the fact that, you know, he just spent the last twenty years eating gruel while keeping both his head and his asshole on a swivel.

Anyway, the democrats are pushing a bill (instead of doing actual work to improve the lives of citizens) which would make it illegal to call someone a “bitch” in this, the great state of Massachusetts. Now, there is a gray area here, with regards to determining what is, and what isn’t, an insult. For example, let’s say some stupid fuck continues looking down at their phone when the light turns green, and you’re behind them now wondering if you’re going to make this light. Unlike the old days, you will no longer be able to put your head out the window and yell “step on the gas, you stupid bitch!” Under this new law, I guess that one would technically be considered annoying and/or demeaning, but not nearly as annoying as missing the light because that bitch was texting. Conversely, now when you meet an old friend out in public and say “sup, bitch?”, that one you can still do, because you did not intend to insult this person. However, please note that people within earshot may have their feelings hurt. What’s more, even ‘if’ you are being chummy with your friend, who has always welcomed “sup, bitch?” as a proper greeting, other citizens will now be able to intrude on your personal conversations to determine whether or not you meant to use the term “bitch” as an insult this time around. Not mentioned in the law is how any of these kinds of conversations will be handled, so we have taken the liberty of creating an example:

Me: “Sup, bitch?”

Some nosey ass bitch who I wasn’t even talking to: “Excuse me, that word is offensive, not to mention illegal now.”

Me: “Oh, I beg your pardon, your Excellence. Sup, homo?” then me and my buddy knuckle bump and go get turnt on White Claws.

As odd and incredibly pointless as this law seems to be, there are several others you may not be aware of. Did you know it is technically illegal to celebrate Christmas in Massachusetts, and it is also unlawful to have a goatee in public without the proper licensing? I’m not really sure where you’d go for that, where you walk into some zoning office and they’re like “doing some renovations to your house?” and you’re like “Nope, I’m doing some renovations to my face. One Goatee license, please.”

In the meantime, Massachusetts does not allow “Happy Hour”, a fun event centered around discounted alcohol which is aimed to give people a break from the day in and day out monotony of our existence. If this bill passes and you absolutely need to call someone a bitch, it looks like you’ll have to drive to New Hampshire. It also means a lot of us are going to have to come up with new nicknames for our mother in laws.

Not mine, tho. 😉

Transgender Cyclist, Rachel McKinnon, Who Set Women’s World Record Wouldn’t Have Qualified For Men’s Championship

Guess Which One Is Rachel

Townhall.comRachel McKinnon is a professional Canadian cyclist who was born a biological male, but now identifies as a female. According to Union Cyclist Internationale Masters Track Championship rules, McKinnon therefore is allowed to compete against women instead of against men. McKinnon has previously claimed that being born a male but racing against women is not only fair, but a human right for transgender individuals. McKinnon won a second Women’s Sprint World Championship over the weekend, but the Canadian’s qualifying time for this competition would not have even been fast enough to qualify for the men’s championship.

Well, as the old saying goes, “If you can’t beat ’em, tape your junk down and go compete against the women.” Seriously, if you are going thru a transition, whether it be male to female, female to male, or male to female then back to male again because being a guy is much easier, you should absolutely be able to continue doing what you love. In Rachel’s case, hey, she really likes pedaling a bike faster than every other girl on earth. No doubt, all seven of you that read our expose on dudes racing as girls will draw some parallels with this blog. The bottom line is, until another female who used to be a male steps up to compete against Rachel, I have a feeling she’ll be winning this event every year for the rest of her life. The question then becomes, why are we not going to Vegas and betting our entire life savings on her?

To recap, Rachel McKinnon was born male, but identifies as female, and is simply crushing the hopes and dreams her competition. Look, if the other natural chicks want to show up week in and week out to compete for second place as Rachel blows their labias off, be my guest. Theoretically, what’s to stop Lance Armstrong from coming out of retirement and going “hey, I identify as a female now call me Mary” as he drinks a 16oz. smoothie made with kale and someone else’s clean blood? You know he would absolutely smoke the field and could do so by pedaling with one foot.

As for the current state of world class cycling, I honestly couldn’t care less what happens. I guess I stopped caring about it after that time I got banned from a spin class for putting the queen of clubs in my spokes.

Perhaps someone will come along to challenge this physical speciwomen, but until then, my money’s on Rachel. VROOOOOOM!

Suzanne Somers Turns 73 And Still Looks 33

Naked And Afraid: Three’s Company

Suzanne Somers of “Three’s Company”, and “Thighmaster”, just turned 73 years young, and boy oh boy that’s about as good as it gets for 73. After starring as a daft blonde with a great pair of cuckoo! cuckoos! in Three’s Company, Suzanne went on to shill Thighmaster’s flagship product, aptly named “Thighmaster”, which cemented her status as a total Shillf. This product probably works, but, like everything else, by using the power of marketing they led millions of housewives to actually believe that if you sat on your ass all day with this giant paper clip between your legs, you too could firm up your entire body.

Now, if you’re not familiar with “Three’s Company”, it was a sitcom in the 80’s about a guy who had to act gay so his landlord would let him live in the same apartment as two single women. You have to remember, this was the 1980’s when people were a bit more conservative, and things weren’t so out in the open like they are today, with people going thru this transitioning hocus pocus, injecting estrogen hormones, using pronouns, hacking off dicks, etc., etc., etFc.

The show starred John Ritter (who played Jack Tripper), Suzanne Somers (who played Chrissy Snow), and who was so hot you almost couldn’t watch an episode without having a box of tissues nearby. Oh, and as the title suggests, there was a third character, some mousy brunette who was always cock-blocking Jack. She’s like one of those chicks who’s so jealous of her hot friends, that instead of just going back to her room and dilling out, she has to submarine everyone else’s good time. Anyway, if you can believe it, the entire premise of the show revolved around Jack being so horny that he was constantly trying to sneak broads into the apartment. This led to a lot of predictable hijinx between he and his landlord, and even though you could see these scenarios coming a mile away, NBC continued to just stuff the laughtrack down your throat. Despite the inane plotline, as a young male viewer, you would just sit there, unblinking, with tented pantaloons the whole time rooting for Jack to finally have a threesome with Chrissy and whatshername. Of course, it never happened for Jack just like it never happened for me, and to date, the closest I’ve come to having a threesome was that time I got blown by a chick who was cross-eyed.

Now, if there’s one minor complaint I have about the picture above, it’s that Suzanne is among those amber waves of grain looking like she’s about to make a doody. Instead, I choose to remember her with this absurd contraption between her legs.

Editor’s Note: If you would like to tone up your thighs by doing this exercise for about 90 hours a week, please visit Suzanne Somers Thighmaster Gold and use the coupon code “Martin” to save absolutely nothing.

Disclaimer: Wicked Improper not responsible for torn ACL’s.

Felicity Huffman Reports To Prison But Will Be Out In 13 Wake-Ups

When bae takes the fall for you

Felicity Huffman, known for playing such dynamic roles as William H. Macy’s wife, has graciously reported to prison. It’s interesting to note that she’s ‘reporting’ to prison, whereas you or I would simply be dragged there.

Anyway, this is the thanks she gets for trying to be a good parent. She wanted the best for her kid, and what is the point of having all that money if you can’t send $15,000 to a company who will rub their genie lamp and magically improve your dimwitted kid’s SAT scores? You want your kid who’s been getting lackluster grades for the past four years to go to an Ivy League School, no problem, send in your 15k. You want your kid to go to community college, do what my parents did, send me in to take the test completely unprepared, and cross your fingers as the kid randomly fills in the dots. They should have known the results would be sub par when they allotted three hours to complete the test, and I was back in mommy’s car twelve minutes later asking for a Happy Meal.

In closing, the picture above says it all. In my opinion, and in an effort to protect her husband, Felicity practiced omerta, which is the Italian code for “silence”, or, as it’s more currently translated “keep your fucking mouth shut.” Look at her face in that picture, she’s like, I did what needed to be done and took one for the team, see you in two weeks, bitch. Then look at Macy’s face and tell me he’s not thinking, shit, when she gets back I’m going to have to buy her a Tesla.

Man Arrested For Homicide After Woman Finds A Hard Drive Containing A Video He Made Titled “Homicide”

You Have The Right To Remain Stupid

DailyMail UKThe wife of a South African native who has been charged with brutally killing a woman in a hotel in Alaska and filming the murder on video, which later ended up on a misplaced SD card, is speaking out to defend her husband.  

Brian Smith, 48, a recently naturalized US citizen, was arrested on Tuesday in Anchorage and charged with first-degree murder after being identified because of his South African accent. His wife of five years, 69-year-old Stephanie Bissland, spoke to KTUU and voiced her support for him, saying that he was ‘a good husband’ and that he has never exhibited any violent tendencies.

Anchorage police linked Smith to the memory card labeled ‘homicide at midtown Marriott’ found on the street,’ which allegedly contained 39 photos and 12 videos of the suspect brutally assaulting and strangling the nude Henry on the floor of the TownePlace Suites by Marriott. In one of the videos he was allegedly heard screaming at the victim: ‘Just … die.’ 

An Anchorage resident came across the stray memory card on the street near her neighborhood grocery store on September 30.  Curious about the ‘homicide’ label, she opened the card on her computer and discovered the cache of horrific images before alerting the police.

Ugh, don’t you hate going thru all the trouble of murdering someone in cold blood and capturing it on video, and then losing the memory card you labeled “Homicide at the Midtown Marriott”? You’re just standing there patting your pockets going “now, what in heavens have I done with the memory card that contains various screenshots and video clips of that murder I did?” You check behind the couch, you look between your seat cushions, then you finally just give up like “oh well, everything happens for a reason, and if the damning evidence of the murder I committed and I were meant to be together again to help me avoid life in prison and/or the death penalty, so be it.”

Well, everything does happen for a reason, such as a woman walking out of a grocery store and becoming curious after seeing a memory card with the word “homicide” on it. If he didn’t want a woman nosing around in his business, he should have labeled it “How To Give Your Husband Epic Blowjobs” and she would have walked right on by.

If nothing else, this story serves as a pretty solid Yelp review for the Midtown Marriott in Anchorage. The walls were built to uphold privacy standards that, quite frankly, I’ve never experienced as a hotel guest. You ever stay at a Red Roof Inn? Their walls are so thin you can hear the Mr. Coffee machine percolating in the next room. One time I sneezed and some guy blessed me from the hallway. In fact, it’s the only hotel I can recall where I could listen to a private conversation next door without needing to lean up against the wall with a coffee mug. The TownSuites Marriott is the perfect hotel to mask whatever loud noises that may occur during your stay, such as intense number two’s, passionate sex, or maybe even just masturbating with gusto. This hotel takes privacy to the next level, like in this case, where you can apparently scream “JUST…DIEEE! JUST…DIEEEEE!” over and over as the other guests rest peacefully.

The hotel brochure for this place could write itself:

“Welcome to the TownSuites Marriott. Here you’ll enjoy a continental breakfast, spacious rooms, a business center, and, we don’t recommend it, but you could theoretically get away with murder here*.”

* – provided you don’t misplace the evidence like a fucking idiot.

Matt Lauer Pens Letter Confirming That He Likes To Put It In The Dirty Place

Raise your hand if you like anal!

The following is an excerpt from Matt Lauer’s 1,400 word note, where he is defending himself against rape allegations.

“I had an extramarital affair with Brooke Nevils in 2014. It began when she came to my hotel room very late one night in Sochi, Russia. We engaged in a variety of sexual acts. We performed oral sex on each other, we had vaginal sex, and we had anal sex.

Well, if you were just sitting there wondering whether or not Matt Lauer likes anal sex, you can wonder no more. And, if you’ve been following the whole Matt Lauer sex saga, then you know this guy has had more sex at work than I’ve had in my entire life. He allegedly had a button that would lock people in, or, depending on how you look at it, maybe it was just to lock people out while he continued pounding away. Either way, that has to be creepy when you walk into his office, and he goes ‘hold on a sec’, reaching under his desk until you hear the lock go “click” behind you. One minute you think you’re just going in there to brief him on the ratings, and the next thing you know you’re wiping off your face with an NBC cocktail napkin.

Imagine working in that environment at NBC? Everyone sits down for yet another pointless meeting, then the production manager looks down at his watch and lets out a big sigh. “Looks like Matt’s running late again. He must be, uhh, you know, gathering some last minute notes for today’s segment.” Then the whole fucking room erupts in laughter, because they know he’s down the hall splitting yet another colleague in half.

Matt walks into the meeting… “woah, sorry I’m late everybody, I was, uh, gathering some last minute notes for today’s segment.” Just then, you see a custodian shaking his head and muttering to himself as he pushes a mop bucket towards Matt’s office.

BREAKING: Trump Just Dropped A Nuclear Bomb (via Twitter) On Joe Biden’s Campaign

Trump just absolutely destroyed Joe Biden’s hopes for the Presidency with a single tweet. In a way, it’s kind of sad that we’re all laughing at Joe for, among many other things, talking about bribing foreign governments while on video, and with our money, but what else can ya do but lol? For those keeping score at home, it is now Trump 1,000,000 and Biden 0.

Among the many other things I speak/write of is this one video, of which there are many others like it. Press play to see Joe get his creep on.

Transgender Boxer Becomes The Face Of Everlast

Both of these people could kick your ass, and it’s the same person

Well, this is a great “knockout” (get it? yeah, you get it) for the LGBTQmmunity. It must be an incredibly proud moment for this transgender boxer, Patricio Manuel, to become the new face of Everlast boxing gear. As a side note, coincidentally, Everlast just so happens to be my nickname in the sack, wink wink. Look, can we please get this over with already? If women want to become men (and vice versa) because that’s who and how they identify, please let them do so and be themselves. If women want to become men, and then enter a boxing ring with another dude to punch each others faces in front of a bloodthirsty audience at an event where everything from ticket scalping, to concessions, and gambling (and sometimes the outcome) is likely controlled by the mob, they should be able to.

Now, in all honesty, I don’t think boys should become girls, and then blow the fucking doors off of the other girls in high school or collegiate sports. Some of the trans girls are winning the 100 yard dash by like 40 yards.

“Meep Meep!”

It’s absurd. Imagine raising your daughter for 17 years, which feels more like 50, and you drive her to a track meet two hours away so some scouts can see her run the 100 yard dash. “On your mark, get set, go!” or “bang” with a starter’s pistol (unless those are now outlawed because people are pussies), your daughter comes out of the blocks, then there’s like this puff of smoke, and a pack of runners, including her, get left in the transgender’s dust like he’s the fucking roadrunner. You go over to meet your daughter, who is obviously a wreck. “Aww, shhh. There, there honey. Hey, you would have finished third and maybe gotten a scholarship to Yale, but the transgender girl was just too good today, by only like six or seven lengths, and was already at the snack bar before you finished. Maybe it’s time to consider playing a team sport, like handball, at our local community college. On second thought, isn’t there already a trans girl there who is wide open even when she is being double and triple teamed, and goes by the nickname She-quille O’Neal?”