Robert DeNiro Drops F Bombs During Anti-Trump Tirade

Wow, this was a very poignant interview with Robert DeNiro. I was just sitting here hoping someone in Hollywood could shed some intellectual light on the dark, political cloud that hovers over us all. Here are some of his really profound quotes from the video, regarding President Trump:

“Worse than I ever imagined”

“sighhhh”

“I can’t believe they bought into this craziness.”

“This guy should not be president. Period.”

“We are in a moment in our lives, in this country, this guy is like a gangster, he’s said things, done things, we say over and over again, this is terrible. We’re in a terrible situation.”

That last one actually sounds like a quote from Creepy Sleepy Uncle Joe Biden. If you haven’t watched the debates, it is simply must watch television. In a way, it’s sad how Biden is slipping right before our very eyes, but, on the other hand, I wish he would set up a Patreon so I could tip him for all of the entertainment he provides. Anyway, DeNiro had a great opportunity to make a stronger, or really any argument, like Alyssa Milano would have, however, he was unable to cite literally one single example of anything Trump has done wrong. Meanwhile, the economy is booming, unemployment is down, the wall is being built whether you like it or not, Melania is a fucking babe, and the guy gave up his billionaire lifestyle to deal with this day in and day out media/coup bullshit. Spoiler alert: He doesn’t get impeached, Hillary doesn’t get locked up, we all continue to be fucked by way of eternal taxation, and Trump wins again in 2020.

p.s. Probably my favorite reply to CNN was this tweet from @JohnParshon:

Dead Body Found In A Porta Potty (Want To Keep Rhymin’ About It, But That Would Be Naughty)

“Just like your own bathroom, only 87,000 people have used it”

NY Post– The charred remains of an unidentified woman were discovered inside a burning port-a-potty outside a vacant Florida home on Saturday morning, a report said.

Firefighters found the body after responding to the blaze outside of a St. Augustine home that’s been under construction for several months, according to The Florida Times-Union.

Detectives from the St. Johns County Sheriff’s Office are working to determine the identity of the woman, and how she died.

“A person could have gone in there and the methane gas could have ignited somehow,” Chuck Mulligan, a spokesman for the sheriff’s office, explained to the paper. “It might have been a suicide or something more nefarious.”

The spokesman seemed perplexed by the potential crime scene. “In my 32 years in law enforcement, I’ve never seen one of these before,” Mulligan said.

An autopsy is expected to be completed on Monday. The State Fire Marshal’s Office is searching for the presence of any accelerants in the portable toilet, which could indicate foul play.

“We are asking anyone who may have a family member or friend, who has not been heard from and may be missing, to contact the St. John’s County Sheriff’s Office and ask for the Major Crimes Unit,” he told the paper.

Man, oh man, unlike the story about that couple who died while banging, this is not a good way to go. If you could even take the smallest of positives out of perishing in a porta potty fire, I guess it would have to be at least you got to save money on a cremation. But that’s literally it. You can’t say they “died doing what they loved” on this one. That’s the thing about Porta Potty’s, you absolutely dread going in there, but sometimes you have no choice, and once that creaky door closes behind you, you just don’t know if you’re going to end up in the Porta John de los muertos.

Even if I had a friend or family member who went missing and I saw this story about the found body, I’m not sure I could make that phone call to the Major Crimes Unit. The following is a dramatization, obvi:

Me: “Hi, I’d like to report a friend who may have gone missing.”

MCU: “Well, when did you last see them, and can you tell us any details that may have led up to the disappearance?”

Me: “Sure. Well, me and my buddy, Gary, went out for lunch at Chipotle around noon. I got a chicken burrito with a side of guac, but Gary got a bean and cheese burrito with extra, extra beans, which I kinda thought was overdoing it. About an hour later, Gary grabs my shoulder and goes ‘OMFG’, and doubles over. I told him to man the fuck up because we were going to Gamestop, but he made a bee line for this bank of porta potty’s, walkin’ all funny like he was trying to hold in a really big toot, ya know? Anyway, I haven’t seen nor heard from him since.”

MCU: “Well, didn’t you go and check on him?”

Me: “No, like I said, we were on our way to Gamestop.”

Anyway, credit where credit’s due, Porta Potty’s have come a long, LONG way over the years. Now they have mirrors, hand sanitizer dispensers, LOCKS, some probably have glory holes, and a little side urinal thing that kinda looks like someone cut a one-gallon milk jug in half and hung it upside down. It’s not “the best” urinal you’ll ever use, but at least it kinda helps to avert your eyes from that hole that is filled with unspeakable evil. You still kinda peek over at it, but then you quickly turn your head and ask yourself why. Like “oh, maybe this will be the one time in my life where they just vacuumed this thing out.” Nope. Still full. Well, I thought this went without saying, but, caution, do not hold lighters and look down into the hole like you’re Indiana Jones after opening that tomb.

Naked Couple Fall To Deaths During Balcony Sex Romp

“Not a bad way to go”

NY Post – A naked couple fell to their deaths while having sex on a third-floor balcony after a house party in Ecuador, according to a report Friday.

The woman, a 28-year-old mother, and her 35-year-old lover were locked in a passionate embrace when they slipped over the edge — and plunged onto the terrace below, twnews.co.uk reports.

The tragic pair was discovered by a neighbor in the Carapungo district of Quito, who heard a loud crash and rushed outside to investigate, according to the outlet. A heartbroken relative of the unnamed woman said she was the mother of an 8-year-old girl and that the fall happened not long after she threw a graduation party at her home.

Detectives are investigating the circumstances, said Calderon Police District Operations Chief Cristhian Trujillo. Local media reports said the couple wasn’t paying attention to the height of the balcony wall and toppled over it while having sex.

Wow, this is a sad one, and gives a whole new meaning to the term “going down?” But in all seriousness, what is there to investigate? The cops said they were locked in a passionate embrace when they went over the balcony, and were found a couple of stories below. The only way they could deduce the couple was having sex at the time of the fall is if the cops went to pull them apart and the dick was still in there. This case is closed. It sucks because it seems like they were genuinely having a good time. You’re throwing a graduation party, people are starting to trickle out, it’s a beautiful night in Ecuador, she saddles up next to you with that little cootchie-coo voice “who wants to bang me on the balconyyy?” Obviously, that one’s an easy decision, it’s either that or go back inside and fill up the dishwasher.

Now, if they want to investigate some kind of OSHA violation and whether or not the building was up to code, that’s fine with me. I mean, how low is a fucking balcony wall three stories up where you’re hitting it from behind and taking selfies while flexing one minute, and then eating pavement the next? Too low, that’s how low.

The Hot (literally) New Popular Beauty Trend Is (drumroll) Vaginal Steaming!

“If you steam it, they will come”

DailyMail UK – Vaginal steaming has been named as one of the most sought-after beauty treatments of 2019, four years after the procedure first shot to global fame when it was featured on Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website Goop. 

According to Yelp, the controversial treatment is one of 13 beauty trends that have proven to be extra popular over the past year, despite coming under fire from experts who have warned that it could lead to burns and infection. 

The online business directory released the list of beauty trends in honor of its 15th anniversary, revealing how beauty lovers have made a move away from more old-school treatments like lash tinting and bikini waxing in favor of more modern procedures like microneedling and hydrafacials. However, obstetrician and gynecologist Dr. Carolyn DeLucia, a partner at New York-based women’s health spa VSPOT, insists any issues that may arise from vaginal steaming treatments are a result of the procedure being done incorrectly. According to Dr. Lucia, ‘The V-steam as we do it at VSPOT allows therapeutic herbs to emulsify around the labia majora. The one misconception is that the steam is directly going up the vaginal canal.’

To be clear, I did not want to report on this. What kind of ‘expert’ has been sitting around for a couple years going “you know what, someday my phone is gonna ring, and they’re gonna ask me if there are any health concerns that can be caused by steaming a vagina”? Is there a certificate program you can enroll in for that at the University of Phoenix? If you stick around long enough to get your doctorate, does that mean you’ve earned a VhD? If they ever made a spinoff of a famous medical tv show, would it be called “Snapper John, MD”? Anyway, there are simply too many parts down there to keep track of as far as I’m concerned. They have a labia majora, which sounds like it must be the big part. If the presence of a majora indicates there’s a smaller, labia minora, well, I’m pretty sure that means I’m never gonna find it. In fact, if they ever made one of those ♫ Nationwide is on your siiide ♫ jingles for me, it would go ♫ I can’t find the clitorisss ♫ .

I’ll be honest, when it comes to beauty, the vagina could definitely use a lot of help. I’m not sure pointing a miniature Dyson steam cleaner at it is going to get the job done, either. Will it look like it was covered in a fresh meadow dew as the sun just barely crests over the horizon? Yeah, I don’t know either, because they’re never gonna have a commercial for it. I just don’t see why women need to add yet another action item to their beauty regimen, when they could just splash a little KY jelly down there and call it a day. If you think that vagina feels pretty good after it’s been steamed, then you’re gonna love KY because it’s like that thing has been hit by a fucking tidal wave. I remember the first time I used KY, the room was really dark and I think too much came out of the bottle, because the chick whispered “where are you?” and I was like “I’m over here” after sliding off the bed and out into the hall.

Ladies, you’re perfectly fine and natural down there. Provided you’ve been making regular visits to your doctor, you’re good, trust us. But beware, because this procedure is being shilled by Gwyneth Paltrow, who knows the majority will believe anything that is printed in these online rags. What it really boils down to is, people with too much time, and too much money, trying to dictate how others should live (while potentially profiting from it.) How about spending more time working on your personal relationships with friends and family, and less time worrying about getting your clam all steamy?

After reading the article together, while holding hands in bed, I asked my wife if she was going to steam her vagina, and she goes, “no, my pussy’s already hot enough, heyoo.”

The end.

BREAKING: Trump Zelensky Transcript Released

Washington, DC and Ukraine – The following is the recently unclassified telephone conversation between President Trump of America, and President Zelensky of Ukraine. While this material is unclassified, it is still considered sensitive, and may not be suitable for all ages.

Trump-Call-2

Scientists Claim That Interacting With Climate Change Stories On Social Media May Actually Improve The Climate

Palo Alto, CA – A team of climatologists in, of all places, Silicon Valley, may have some rather ‘warming’ news, with regards to every day people clicking “like”, “share”, or “retweet” on articles pertaining to climate change.

Said lead scientist, Dr. David Bulshitzky, “We’re seeing a direct correlation between how human beings react to articles on social media, and how that may positively impact the longevity of our planet.” While Dr. Bulshitzky considers himself a traditional scientist, he now believes that “sending positive vibes” and sharing Greta Thunberg stories could add several millimeters of ice to our glaciers, provided people continue clicking “like” on Facebook. He also implores Instagram’s community of famous influencers to post pictures of themselves drinking Cristal thru paper straws, as “every little bit helps” and can even “offset the damage they do living their every day best lives, which includes private jetting.”

While Dr. Bulshitzky and his team are encouraged by the initial findings, he would like to stress their research is in the early stages, and that the general public should remain cautiously optimistic. “While clicking buttons on social media is good for, like, you know, karma, and that momentary hit of dopamine that gives the average person a false sense of feeling like they actually matter, we should keep in mind that it’s going to take more than that, and more than just protests, as they themselves can actually impact the climate. As an example, we’ve seen negative behavior during recent protests such as littering, starting fires, using public transportation, throwing glitter, taking Uber, defecating behind a Rite-Aid, etc., that has actually left more of a carbon footprint than had protesters simply never left their homes. So, while people’s hearts are generally in the right place, these kinds of patterns would help to explain the recent surge of people voicing their uneducated opinions on social media, but not making a single change to their every day behavior to actually improve anything.”

When asked if he believes Earth has anywhere from 1 year to 12 years remaining, as some have suggested without evidence, Bulshitzky could only laugh as he shook his head and said “No, no. If that were the case, I can assure you that my team and I would no longer be doing research. We would remove our lab coats, turn out the lights, and then go out carousing with prostitutes.”

Please click “Like” below to help save the planet, one click at a time.

Iowa Hog Farmer Kills His Wife With A Corn Rake

Pictured from left to right: Hog Farmer Todd Mullis, Corn Rake That Not Only Rakes Corn, and Hog Farmer’s Wife Who Is Now Deceased Thanks To Todd And The Corn Rake

NY Post – An Iowa hog farmer was found guilty of first-degree murder this week in the rage-fueled corn-rake slaying of his wife, who was reportedly having an affair. Todd M. Mullis, 43, was convicted Monday in the November slaying of Amy Mullis, 39, at their farm about 40 miles west of Dubuque.

Jurors came to their verdict after about 7½ hours of deliberations spanning two days. Prosecutors charged that Todd Mullis had wanted to kill his wife for four years and was fuming that she was having an affair. He worried that he’d lose his farm if she divorced him. That claim was backed up by Jerry Frasher, who testified during the trial that he was having an affair with Amy Mullis.

“I know she wasn’t happy,” said Frasher, a hog farm field manager. “She said she felt like a slave or a hostage around there. She said she was wanting [to leave Todd]. One time, she said if he ever found out [about the affair], she would disappear.” Authorities initially reported that Amy fell and landed on the corn rake.

Todd told investigators that the couple’s son found Amy impaled on the four-pronged rake, which he removed before driving her to the hospital, where she was later declared dead. But in December, an autopsy revealed that the woman had six puncture wounds — not four —  and her death was ruled a homicide.

Police also revealed that Todd searched disturbing topics online, including “organs in the body,” “killing unfaithful women” and “what happened to cheating spouses in historic Aztec tribes.”

But during the trial, Todd’s attorney suggested Amy startled someone in the farm’s shed — prompting that person to impale her in the back while Todd worked in a nearby barn. The jury clearly sided with the prosecution.

You have to give the defense attorney credit for creating the “she must have startled someone other than Todd, then they corn raked the shit out of her” theory. Although, you’d like to think it takes more than being startled to impale someone, which is why it’s common for us to clutch our chest and say “oh my heavens, you startled me”, and everyone has a good laugh once the goose bumps go down. We don’t get startled and go “oh YEAH? (looking around for a sharp instrument) Well take THIS you motherfucker” and then plunge a meat cleaver into their chest. That’s not how startling works, otherwise there would be dead bodies literally everywhere. Unfortunately for defense attorneys, sometimes your client leaves you nothing to work with, especially when they are doing moronic Google searches that ultimately become Exhibit A in the murder trial.

Among the several, guilty verdict inducing Google searches here, “killing unfaithful women” has to be my favorite. I’m not even going to waste my time searching that, because I already know how the results come back: “Kill them the same way you’d kill anyone else.” Perhaps the most puzzling search he tried was “organs in the body”, because, to be honest, once you’re past the third grade you should have a pretty good grasp of what’s in there. And finally, “how did the Aztecs deal with cheating spouses in ye olden days.” Well, spoiler alert, Todd, they didn’t go to fucking marriage counseling. It was probably just like in the movie “Apocalypto”, they’d bring the chick to the top of the pyramid, cut off her head, then roll it down the stairs almost like a reverse Skee Ball. And even though this was all enough to convict, at least Todd had enough common sense not to search “how to kill someone with one of the corn rakes that says ‘Property of Todd’s Pig Farm’ on it.”

Finally, how about this guy Jerry Frasher? Lucky for him Todd didn’t search “how should I kill a certain hog field manager?” Speaking of which, that sounds like the easiest job of all time. Other than building a fence around the field so the pigs can’t get out, and making sure there’s enough slop for them to eat, what else is there to do? I guess, looking back, one of the high priority items booked on Jerry’s hectic schedule was banging Todd’s wife.

Well, Hello, Madame President!

Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the future first female president of the United States…..Ivanka Trump! We hear a lot of talk about Michelle Obama, Elizabeth Warren, or even, ick, Hillary Clinton, being women of style and grace, but this is class personified. Her ensemble is made up of a Prada skirt, black heels, and a silk blue button up top that probably wasn’t purchased from Kohl’s which stands absolutely no chance against those two nipples. Fortunately, we don’t operate in the same circles, otherwise…

Ivanka: “Hi, I’m Ivanka, nice to meet you.”

Me: “Hi, I’m Martin Nipples. Are you from around this areola I MEAN AREA?”

Antonio Brown Not Only Receives, But He Also Delivers (i.e. Flatulence To His Doctor’s Face)

(Watch the video, and then see how the media twists the story to fit the whole “Antonio Brown is an asshole” narrative)

NY Post – Antonio Brown’s former doctor says the football star repeatedly farted in his face and laughed about it during a consultation where he showed up three hours late — and claims the receiver still owes him $11,000 in unpaid fees, according to a new report.

Dr. Victor Prisk said he was wary of signing the then-Pittsburgh Steeler because he had a reputation for being “flighty” and not paying his bills, but agreed to take him on as a client anyway, Sports Illustrated said Monday.

One of Brown’s acolytes took video of the noxious meeting in August 2018, obtained by TMZ, in which the footballer can be heard farting and laughing about it as Prisk tests his body fat. “It seemed just childish to me,” Prisk told Sports Illustrated. “I’m a doctor and this man is farting in my face.”

In the video, Brown jokes, “I had a lot of fiber, bro,” to one friend laughing off-camera. Prisk, a former bodybuilder and gymnast who runs Prisk Orthopaedics and Wellness in Monroeville, Pa., filed a suit against Brown earlier this month in Pennsylvania, claiming Brown — now a New England Patriot — owes him $11,500 in unpaid fees.

“He tells you he’s going to make it totally worth your while,” Prisk said, claiming the footballer wanted to go into business with him but “demurred” every time the doctor mentioned his agreed-upon $500 hourly rate. “He’s gonna invest in your business, invest in you. You’re part of my family. Call God and all that. But he doesn’t do that, and he doesn’t even pay the bill.”

First of all, if burping is a compliment to the chef, and we all agree that a subtle queef is a compliment to a lover, then farting should absolutely be a compliment to your doctor. So, a couple of things we should breakdown here:

  1. The doctor heard thru the grapevine that AB was a difficult patient, didn’t pay his bills, etc., and yet, took him on as a patient anyway. Now, ask yourself why a doctor would take on a patient who is flighty and doesn’t pay. Not only does this sound like a doctor who wants to rub elbows with famous celebrity clients, and rub ultrasound wands all over them, but it also sounds like someone who may have breached HIPAA compliance by discussing a patient’s personal attributes.
  2. Antonio Brown doesn’t fart “in his face”, which to be honest, was a complete disappointment when it didn’t happen. It felt like one of those old advertising scams where you’re promised one thing but get another, which in this case was the ol’ Fart n’ Switch. I’m not sure what I was expecting, I mean, I didn’t think he’d be spread-eagled with his legs in stirrups, but this isn’t farting in a face. I know what farting in your face truly is, because I have four older brothers, and you never forget the touch or scent of an anus that makes direct contact with your nose.
  3. Antonio IMMEDIATELY apologizes! “My bad.” He said my bad! What’s he supposed to do? You can’t put farts back in. Yeah, the second fart comes along (effortlessly, I might add) with more power and vibrato, but, we weren’t there, and no witness account can truly detail what, if any, smell there was. Anyone offering testimony to the contrary would be discounted as hearsay (or, hearsmell? sorry.)
  4. The doctor rubbed a wand around on his stomach to determine body fat (spoiler alert, dude, you’re ripped and an elite athlete, and to this layman it’s probably 4%.) In return, he wants $11,000? I’m not sure how many sessions AB signed up for with this guy, but he could have given him $500 and told him to take the balance of $10,500 and shove it up his ass.

Meanwhile, as these grifters continue coming out of the woods accusing Antonio of rapes and farts, the Patriots are playing the NY Jets this weekend. While the Jets have a star in L’veon Bell at running back, they basically have a paper boy playing quarterback. Pats 70, Jets 3.