Suzanne Somers Turns 73 And Still Looks 33

Naked And Afraid: Three’s Company

Suzanne Somers of “Three’s Company”, and “Thighmaster”, just turned 73 years young, and boy oh boy that’s about as good as it gets for 73. After starring as a daft blonde with a great pair of cuckoo! cuckoos! in Three’s Company, Suzanne went on to shill Thighmaster’s flagship product, aptly named “Thighmaster”, which cemented her status as a total Shillf. This product probably works, but, like everything else, by using the power of marketing they led millions of housewives to actually believe that if you sat on your ass all day with this giant paper clip between your legs, you too could firm up your entire body.

Now, if you’re not familiar with “Three’s Company”, it was a sitcom in the 80’s about a guy who had to act gay so his landlord would let him live in the same apartment as two single women. You have to remember, this was the 1980’s when people were a bit more conservative, and things weren’t so out in the open like they are today, with people going thru this transitioning hocus pocus, injecting estrogen hormones, using pronouns, hacking off dicks, etc., etc., etFc.

The show starred John Ritter (who played Jack Tripper), Suzanne Somers (who played Chrissy Snow), and who was so hot you almost couldn’t watch an episode without having a box of tissues nearby. Oh, and as the title suggests, there was a third character, some mousy brunette who was always cock-blocking Jack. She’s like one of those chicks who’s so jealous of her hot friends, that instead of just going back to her room and dilling out, she has to submarine everyone else’s good time. Anyway, if you can believe it, the entire premise of the show revolved around Jack being so horny that he was constantly trying to sneak broads into the apartment. This led to a lot of predictable hijinx between he and his landlord, and even though you could see these scenarios coming a mile away, NBC continued to just stuff the laughtrack down your throat. Despite the inane plotline, as a young male viewer, you would just sit there, unblinking, with tented pantaloons the whole time rooting for Jack to finally have a threesome with Chrissy and whatshername. Of course, it never happened for Jack just like it never happened for me, and to date, the closest I’ve come to having a threesome was that time I got blown by a chick who was cross-eyed.

Now, if there’s one minor complaint I have about the picture above, it’s that Suzanne is among those amber waves of grain looking like she’s about to make a doody. Instead, I choose to remember her with this absurd contraption between her legs.

Editor’s Note: If you would like to tone up your thighs by doing this exercise for about 90 hours a week, please visit Suzanne Somers Thighmaster Gold and use the coupon code “Martin” to save absolutely nothing.

Disclaimer: Wicked Improper not responsible for torn ACL’s.

Felicity Huffman Reports To Prison But Will Be Out In 13 Wake-Ups

When bae takes the fall for you

Felicity Huffman, known for playing such dynamic roles as William H. Macy’s wife, has graciously reported to prison. It’s interesting to note that she’s ‘reporting’ to prison, whereas you or I would simply be dragged there.

Anyway, this is the thanks she gets for trying to be a good parent. She wanted the best for her kid, and what is the point of having all that money if you can’t send $15,000 to a company who will rub their genie lamp and magically improve your dimwitted kid’s SAT scores? You want your kid who’s been getting lackluster grades for the past four years to go to an Ivy League School, no problem, send in your 15k. You want your kid to go to community college, do what my parents did, send me in to take the test completely unprepared, and cross your fingers as the kid randomly fills in the dots. They should have known the results would be sub par when they allotted three hours to complete the test, and I was back in mommy’s car twelve minutes later asking for a Happy Meal.

In closing, the picture above says it all. In my opinion, and in an effort to protect her husband, Felicity practiced omerta, which is the Italian code for “silence”, or, as it’s more currently translated “keep your fucking mouth shut.” Look at her face in that picture, she’s like, I did what needed to be done and took one for the team, see you in two weeks, bitch. Then look at Macy’s face and tell me he’s not thinking, shit, when she gets back I’m going to have to buy her a Tesla.

Man Arrested For Homicide After Woman Finds A Hard Drive Containing A Video He Made Titled “Homicide”

You Have The Right To Remain Stupid

DailyMail UKThe wife of a South African native who has been charged with brutally killing a woman in a hotel in Alaska and filming the murder on video, which later ended up on a misplaced SD card, is speaking out to defend her husband.  

Brian Smith, 48, a recently naturalized US citizen, was arrested on Tuesday in Anchorage and charged with first-degree murder after being identified because of his South African accent. His wife of five years, 69-year-old Stephanie Bissland, spoke to KTUU and voiced her support for him, saying that he was ‘a good husband’ and that he has never exhibited any violent tendencies.

Anchorage police linked Smith to the memory card labeled ‘homicide at midtown Marriott’ found on the street,’ which allegedly contained 39 photos and 12 videos of the suspect brutally assaulting and strangling the nude Henry on the floor of the TownePlace Suites by Marriott. In one of the videos he was allegedly heard screaming at the victim: ‘Just … die.’ 

An Anchorage resident came across the stray memory card on the street near her neighborhood grocery store on September 30.  Curious about the ‘homicide’ label, she opened the card on her computer and discovered the cache of horrific images before alerting the police.

Ugh, don’t you hate going thru all the trouble of murdering someone in cold blood and capturing it on video, and then losing the memory card you labeled “Homicide at the Midtown Marriott”? You’re just standing there patting your pockets going “now, what in heavens have I done with the memory card that contains various screenshots and video clips of that murder I did?” You check behind the couch, you look between your seat cushions, then you finally just give up like “oh well, everything happens for a reason, and if the damning evidence of the murder I committed and I were meant to be together again to help me avoid life in prison and/or the death penalty, so be it.”

Well, everything does happen for a reason, such as a woman walking out of a grocery store and becoming curious after seeing a memory card with the word “homicide” on it. If he didn’t want a woman nosing around in his business, he should have labeled it “How To Give Your Husband Epic Blowjobs” and she would have walked right on by.

If nothing else, this story serves as a pretty solid Yelp review for the Midtown Marriott in Anchorage. The walls were built to uphold privacy standards that, quite frankly, I’ve never experienced as a hotel guest. You ever stay at a Red Roof Inn? Their walls are so thin you can hear the Mr. Coffee machine percolating in the next room. One time I sneezed and some guy blessed me from the hallway. In fact, it’s the only hotel I can recall where I could listen to a private conversation next door without needing to lean up against the wall with a coffee mug. The TownSuites Marriott is the perfect hotel to mask whatever loud noises that may occur during your stay, such as intense number two’s, passionate sex, or maybe even just masturbating with gusto. This hotel takes privacy to the next level, like in this case, where you can apparently scream “JUST…DIEEE! JUST…DIEEEEE!” over and over as the other guests rest peacefully.

The hotel brochure for this place could write itself:

“Welcome to the TownSuites Marriott. Here you’ll enjoy a continental breakfast, spacious rooms, a business center, and, we don’t recommend it, but you could theoretically get away with murder here*.”

* – provided you don’t misplace the evidence like a fucking idiot.

Matt Lauer Pens Letter Confirming That He Likes To Put It In The Dirty Place

Raise your hand if you like anal!

The following is an excerpt from Matt Lauer’s 1,400 word note, where he is defending himself against rape allegations.

“I had an extramarital affair with Brooke Nevils in 2014. It began when she came to my hotel room very late one night in Sochi, Russia. We engaged in a variety of sexual acts. We performed oral sex on each other, we had vaginal sex, and we had anal sex.

Well, if you were just sitting there wondering whether or not Matt Lauer likes anal sex, you can wonder no more. And, if you’ve been following the whole Matt Lauer sex saga, then you know this guy has had more sex at work than I’ve had in my entire life. He allegedly had a button that would lock people in, or, depending on how you look at it, maybe it was just to lock people out while he continued pounding away. Either way, that has to be creepy when you walk into his office, and he goes ‘hold on a sec’, reaching under his desk until you hear the lock go “click” behind you. One minute you think you’re just going in there to brief him on the ratings, and the next thing you know you’re wiping off your face with an NBC cocktail napkin.

Imagine working in that environment at NBC? Everyone sits down for yet another pointless meeting, then the production manager looks down at his watch and lets out a big sigh. “Looks like Matt’s running late again. He must be, uhh, you know, gathering some last minute notes for today’s segment.” Then the whole fucking room erupts in laughter, because they know he’s down the hall splitting yet another colleague in half.

Matt walks into the meeting… “woah, sorry I’m late everybody, I was, uh, gathering some last minute notes for today’s segment.” Just then, you see a custodian shaking his head and muttering to himself as he pushes a mop bucket towards Matt’s office.

BREAKING: Trump Just Dropped A Nuclear Bomb (via Twitter) On Joe Biden’s Campaign

Trump just absolutely destroyed Joe Biden’s hopes for the Presidency with a single tweet. In a way, it’s kind of sad that we’re all laughing at Joe for, among many other things, talking about bribing foreign governments while on video, and with our money, but what else can ya do but lol? For those keeping score at home, it is now Trump 1,000,000 and Biden 0.

Among the many other things I speak/write of is this one video, of which there are many others like it. Press play to see Joe get his creep on.

Transgender Boxer Becomes The Face Of Everlast

Both of these people could kick your ass, and it’s the same person

Well, this is a great “knockout” (get it? yeah, you get it) for the LGBTQmmunity. It must be an incredibly proud moment for this transgender boxer, Patricio Manuel, to become the new face of Everlast boxing gear. As a side note, coincidentally, Everlast just so happens to be my nickname in the sack, wink wink. Look, can we please get this over with already? If women want to become men (and vice versa) because that’s who and how they identify, please let them do so and be themselves. If women want to become men, and then enter a boxing ring with another dude to punch each others faces in front of a bloodthirsty audience at an event where everything from ticket scalping, to concessions, and gambling (and sometimes the outcome) is likely controlled by the mob, they should be able to.

Now, in all honesty, I don’t think boys should become girls, and then blow the fucking doors off of the other girls in high school or collegiate sports. Some of the trans girls are winning the 100 yard dash by like 40 yards.

“Meep Meep!”

It’s absurd. Imagine raising your daughter for 17 years, which feels more like 50, and you drive her to a track meet two hours away so some scouts can see her run the 100 yard dash. “On your mark, get set, go!” or “bang” with a starter’s pistol (unless those are now outlawed because people are pussies), your daughter comes out of the blocks, then there’s like this puff of smoke, and a pack of runners, including her, get left in the transgender’s dust like he’s the fucking roadrunner. You go over to meet your daughter, who is obviously a wreck. “Aww, shhh. There, there honey. Hey, you would have finished third and maybe gotten a scholarship to Yale, but the transgender girl was just too good today, by only like six or seven lengths, and was already at the snack bar before you finished. Maybe it’s time to consider playing a team sport, like handball, at our local community college. On second thought, isn’t there already a trans girl there who is wide open even when she is being double and triple teamed, and goes by the nickname She-quille O’Neal?”

Robert DeNiro Drops F Bombs During Anti-Trump Tirade

Wow, this was a very poignant interview with Robert DeNiro. I was just sitting here hoping someone in Hollywood could shed some intellectual light on the dark, political cloud that hovers over us all. Here are some of his really profound quotes from the video, regarding President Trump:

“Worse than I ever imagined”


“I can’t believe they bought into this craziness.”

“This guy should not be president. Period.”

“We are in a moment in our lives, in this country, this guy is like a gangster, he’s said things, done things, we say over and over again, this is terrible. We’re in a terrible situation.”

That last one actually sounds like a quote from Creepy Sleepy Uncle Joe Biden. If you haven’t watched the debates, it is simply must watch television. In a way, it’s sad how Biden is slipping right before our very eyes, but, on the other hand, I wish he would set up a Patreon so I could tip him for all of the entertainment he provides. Anyway, DeNiro had a great opportunity to make a stronger, or really any argument, like Alyssa Milano would have, however, he was unable to cite literally one single example of anything Trump has done wrong. Meanwhile, the economy is booming, unemployment is down, the wall is being built whether you like it or not, Melania is a fucking babe, and the guy gave up his billionaire lifestyle to deal with this day in and day out media/coup bullshit. Spoiler alert: He doesn’t get impeached, Hillary doesn’t get locked up, we all continue to be fucked by way of eternal taxation, and Trump wins again in 2020.

p.s. Probably my favorite reply to CNN was this tweet from @JohnParshon:

Dead Body Found In A Porta Potty (Want To Keep Rhymin’ About It, But That Would Be Naughty)

“Just like your own bathroom, only 87,000 people have used it”

NY Post– The charred remains of an unidentified woman were discovered inside a burning port-a-potty outside a vacant Florida home on Saturday morning, a report said.

Firefighters found the body after responding to the blaze outside of a St. Augustine home that’s been under construction for several months, according to The Florida Times-Union.

Detectives from the St. Johns County Sheriff’s Office are working to determine the identity of the woman, and how she died.

“A person could have gone in there and the methane gas could have ignited somehow,” Chuck Mulligan, a spokesman for the sheriff’s office, explained to the paper. “It might have been a suicide or something more nefarious.”

The spokesman seemed perplexed by the potential crime scene. “In my 32 years in law enforcement, I’ve never seen one of these before,” Mulligan said.

An autopsy is expected to be completed on Monday. The State Fire Marshal’s Office is searching for the presence of any accelerants in the portable toilet, which could indicate foul play.

“We are asking anyone who may have a family member or friend, who has not been heard from and may be missing, to contact the St. John’s County Sheriff’s Office and ask for the Major Crimes Unit,” he told the paper.

Man, oh man, unlike the story about that couple who died while banging, this is not a good way to go. If you could even take the smallest of positives out of perishing in a porta potty fire, I guess it would have to be at least you got to save money on a cremation. But that’s literally it. You can’t say they “died doing what they loved” on this one. That’s the thing about Porta Potty’s, you absolutely dread going in there, but sometimes you have no choice, and once that creaky door closes behind you, you just don’t know if you’re going to end up in the Porta John de los muertos.

Even if I had a friend or family member who went missing and I saw this story about the found body, I’m not sure I could make that phone call to the Major Crimes Unit. The following is a dramatization, obvi:

Me: “Hi, I’d like to report a friend who may have gone missing.”

MCU: “Well, when did you last see them, and can you tell us any details that may have led up to the disappearance?”

Me: “Sure. Well, me and my buddy, Gary, went out for lunch at Chipotle around noon. I got a chicken burrito with a side of guac, but Gary got a bean and cheese burrito with extra, extra beans, which I kinda thought was overdoing it. About an hour later, Gary grabs my shoulder and goes ‘OMFG’, and doubles over. I told him to man the fuck up because we were going to Gamestop, but he made a bee line for this bank of porta potty’s, walkin’ all funny like he was trying to hold in a really big toot, ya know? Anyway, I haven’t seen nor heard from him since.”

MCU: “Well, didn’t you go and check on him?”

Me: “No, like I said, we were on our way to Gamestop.”

Anyway, credit where credit’s due, Porta Potty’s have come a long, LONG way over the years. Now they have mirrors, hand sanitizer dispensers, LOCKS, some probably have glory holes, and a little side urinal thing that kinda looks like someone cut a one-gallon milk jug in half and hung it upside down. It’s not “the best” urinal you’ll ever use, but at least it kinda helps to avert your eyes from that hole that is filled with unspeakable evil. You still kinda peek over at it, but then you quickly turn your head and ask yourself why. Like “oh, maybe this will be the one time in my life where they just vacuumed this thing out.” Nope. Still full. Well, I thought this went without saying, but, caution, do not hold lighters and look down into the hole like you’re Indiana Jones after opening that tomb.

Naked Couple Fall To Deaths During Balcony Sex Romp

“Not a bad way to go”

NY Post – A naked couple fell to their deaths while having sex on a third-floor balcony after a house party in Ecuador, according to a report Friday.

The woman, a 28-year-old mother, and her 35-year-old lover were locked in a passionate embrace when they slipped over the edge — and plunged onto the terrace below, reports.

The tragic pair was discovered by a neighbor in the Carapungo district of Quito, who heard a loud crash and rushed outside to investigate, according to the outlet. A heartbroken relative of the unnamed woman said she was the mother of an 8-year-old girl and that the fall happened not long after she threw a graduation party at her home.

Detectives are investigating the circumstances, said Calderon Police District Operations Chief Cristhian Trujillo. Local media reports said the couple wasn’t paying attention to the height of the balcony wall and toppled over it while having sex.

Wow, this is a sad one, and gives a whole new meaning to the term “going down?” But in all seriousness, what is there to investigate? The cops said they were locked in a passionate embrace when they went over the balcony, and were found a couple of stories below. The only way they could deduce the couple was having sex at the time of the fall is if the cops went to pull them apart and the dick was still in there. This case is closed. It sucks because it seems like they were genuinely having a good time. You’re throwing a graduation party, people are starting to trickle out, it’s a beautiful night in Ecuador, she saddles up next to you with that little cootchie-coo voice “who wants to bang me on the balconyyy?” Obviously, that one’s an easy decision, it’s either that or go back inside and fill up the dishwasher.

Now, if they want to investigate some kind of OSHA violation and whether or not the building was up to code, that’s fine with me. I mean, how low is a fucking balcony wall three stories up where you’re hitting it from behind and taking selfies while flexing one minute, and then eating pavement the next? Too low, that’s how low.

The Hot (literally) New Popular Beauty Trend Is (drumroll) Vaginal Steaming!

“If you steam it, they will come”

DailyMail UK – Vaginal steaming has been named as one of the most sought-after beauty treatments of 2019, four years after the procedure first shot to global fame when it was featured on Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website Goop. 

According to Yelp, the controversial treatment is one of 13 beauty trends that have proven to be extra popular over the past year, despite coming under fire from experts who have warned that it could lead to burns and infection. 

The online business directory released the list of beauty trends in honor of its 15th anniversary, revealing how beauty lovers have made a move away from more old-school treatments like lash tinting and bikini waxing in favor of more modern procedures like microneedling and hydrafacials. However, obstetrician and gynecologist Dr. Carolyn DeLucia, a partner at New York-based women’s health spa VSPOT, insists any issues that may arise from vaginal steaming treatments are a result of the procedure being done incorrectly. According to Dr. Lucia, ‘The V-steam as we do it at VSPOT allows therapeutic herbs to emulsify around the labia majora. The one misconception is that the steam is directly going up the vaginal canal.’

To be clear, I did not want to report on this. What kind of ‘expert’ has been sitting around for a couple years going “you know what, someday my phone is gonna ring, and they’re gonna ask me if there are any health concerns that can be caused by steaming a vagina”? Is there a certificate program you can enroll in for that at the University of Phoenix? If you stick around long enough to get your doctorate, does that mean you’ve earned a VhD? If they ever made a spinoff of a famous medical tv show, would it be called “Snapper John, MD”? Anyway, there are simply too many parts down there to keep track of as far as I’m concerned. They have a labia majora, which sounds like it must be the big part. If the presence of a majora indicates there’s a smaller, labia minora, well, I’m pretty sure that means I’m never gonna find it. In fact, if they ever made one of those ♫ Nationwide is on your siiide ♫ jingles for me, it would go ♫ I can’t find the clitorisss ♫ .

I’ll be honest, when it comes to beauty, the vagina could definitely use a lot of help. I’m not sure pointing a miniature Dyson steam cleaner at it is going to get the job done, either. Will it look like it was covered in a fresh meadow dew as the sun just barely crests over the horizon? Yeah, I don’t know either, because they’re never gonna have a commercial for it. I just don’t see why women need to add yet another action item to their beauty regimen, when they could just splash a little KY jelly down there and call it a day. If you think that vagina feels pretty good after it’s been steamed, then you’re gonna love KY because it’s like that thing has been hit by a fucking tidal wave. I remember the first time I used KY, the room was really dark and I think too much came out of the bottle, because the chick whispered “where are you?” and I was like “I’m over here” after sliding off the bed and out into the hall.

Ladies, you’re perfectly fine and natural down there. Provided you’ve been making regular visits to your doctor, you’re good, trust us. But beware, because this procedure is being shilled by Gwyneth Paltrow, who knows the majority will believe anything that is printed in these online rags. What it really boils down to is, people with too much time, and too much money, trying to dictate how others should live (while potentially profiting from it.) How about spending more time working on your personal relationships with friends and family, and less time worrying about getting your clam all steamy?

After reading the article together, while holding hands in bed, I asked my wife if she was going to steam her vagina, and she goes, “no, my pussy’s already hot enough, heyoo.”

The end.