Indianapolis, Indiana – Sue “Madonna” Ciccone has announced she will mouth the words to a song she didn’t write at this year’s Superbowl between the Green Bay Packers and New England Patriots. Known for shameless self promotion and getting urinated on by Chip Znuff (Google it), Madonna said she wants to continue the tradition of great artists that have performed at the Superbowl and promises not to mention her “new album, book, perfume, and bag collection.” Madonna also has a daughter named Lourdes, who was allegedly conceived on a dj’s turntable with a dancer named Carlos during the “Blond Ambition Tour.” The only reason I remember that is because I still have the t-shirt. Carlos whispered that sweet nothing any woman would love to hear in the heat of the moment: “by the way..(in)..my name is Carlos..(out)..and all of the dancing…(in/out)…has made me too tired to pull out. (in/out) Here it comes. (in/out) Here it comes! (in) Boosh! Boosh! Rahhh. Reverse child support.” Anyway, in an effort to distance herself from her mother’s shadow, Lourdes created her own clothing line, presumably without Mommy’s help, and coincidentally named it “Material Girl.”

Last year’s Super Bowl performers were the Black Eyed Peas, who consist of 3 other guys and the owner of one of the top five sets of gravy bags in the world, Fergie. Fergie is too classy to be peed on, but she did pee herself. Well, it’s either that, or she just sweats really weird.

"What is taking so long for scratch n' sniff monitors?"