(The following is an excerpt from Hunter Biden’s new book “Beautiful Things” released in book stores everywhere. Oops, those are all closed due to Covid, and the fact that brick and mortar bookstores and libraries are soon to be history all thanks to Amazon. So, just buy it at Amazon.)
Hey, what’s up, it’s me, Hunter Biden. You know my dad, Joe Biden. And you know me from the news and stuff. People mostly know me for all the coke I do, but there’s more to me than just the guy who you picture doing rails off of Abe Lincoln’s nightstand. Maybe you know me from the pictures of my dong they released on the internet, which is cool. It wasn’t like my bare dong, though, it was jammed into my boxer briefs and let’s just say you didn’t have to zoom in to see I had a half-rager. Other stuff you know me from is when my dad (Joe Biden) was able to get my foot in the door with a company in Ukraine and a few others in a few other countries. It’s cool. The paychecks continue to come in even though I don’t have to really, you know, work work. It’s kind of like, having a job, but not having a job, ya know? Like, the best parts of the job still happen (getting paid) but the worst parts don’t (showing up and having to do mundane shit.) One time at my Ukraine job, I guess some shit happened, so my dad Joe Biden stepped in and said to Ukraine like “if you don’t fire the prosecutor, you’re not getting the billion dollars.” Some people say that was committing extortion on live television, and how could someone be so stupid to do that, but I don’t know, man, all I know is it’s cool to have a dad who has your back. I guess they wanted the billion dollars, because they did fire the prosecutor, who just so happened to be investigating the company that was paying me $80,000 a month for my vast experience in energy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. And I guess the billion dollars was like, what, taxpayer money? Who knows, though, and at this point, to quote Hillary Clinton “what difference does it make?” lol. As for my personal life, I’m married now to the love of my life. No, not that one, this other one I knew was the one after a six day courtship. What can you do, the heart wants what the heart wants, but sometimes so does the bone. The bone also knows what it wants, like the time the bone wanted my dead brother’s widow. Life is weird, man. When you make love to your sister in law it’s like “hey, I would say let’s not make this weird, but this is fuckin’ weird, dude.” Anyway, thanks for buying this book. If sales don’t go well, that’s okay, because I got a huge advance and I get to keep the money even if we only sell four copies. Life is cool. If you get the chance, you should totally publish the memoirs of your family for a shitload of money.