The Media Stopped Talking About It, So I Guess The Amazon Fires Must Be Out

“fuck it, just cut and paste an old picture of the same fires that have been burning since the beginning of time” – celebrities (and now, me)

Right around the time President Donald Trump was announcing that he would be waiving outstanding student loan debt for disabled military veterans (pretty cool, right?), the mainstream media and a few celebritards decided now was a good time to sow discord and release dated pictures of typical fires in the Amazon. Among them, Emmanuel Macron, a politician, Madonna, a singer, and Cristian Ronaldo, who is a soccer ball kicker. Unfortunately, the student loan waiver does not apply to soldiers like me, who served my country during COUNTLESS tours on both American soil and overseas, where I took heavy fire from terrorists in a little game known as Call of Duty 4.

Now, while I admit fires in the Amazon are somewhat concerning, it should be noted that over the past 15 years, per NASA fuckin scientists, there have been more fires in the Amazon than what is currently burning right now. This is why you don’t see celebrities, or really anyone else, running around with five gallon buckets of water and shitting their pants trying to put this thing out. So, relax baby, it’s called the Amazon rainforest for a reason.

Meanwhile, Leonardo DiCaprio has just pledged $5 million to help with the fires, but obviously where that money goes (or proof of such a transaction ever taking place) is anyone’s guess. While I commend him for his efforts, writing a check for $5 million to him is like you or I throwing fifty cents down the sewer. That’s maybe 50% of his earnings for “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”, which, thru no fault of his, was an utter piece of garbage. No spoilers, but at one point during the movie, I daydreamed that a shooter came into our theater and I was totally okay with it.

So, don’t worry about the media-projected crisis du jour (mmm, the crisis of the day, I’ll have that), instead, worry about what story is being broomed to make way for this fear mongering bullshit. Let’s get a conversation going in the comments regarding broomed stories. Here, I’ll go first: The Las Vegas Shooting. Here, I’ll go second: Anthony Weiner’s laptop. Here, I’ll go third: Young men keep dying in high-powered Democratic donor Ed Buck’s apartment. Here, I’ll go fourth, and fucking so on and so on.