"Alleged Meat Pounder"
NORFOLK, Mass. (WHDH) — A cable access worker — who often works around children — was in court Wednesday facing child pornography charges. One of the studios in which the suspect worked is in an elementary school. Police took videos containing child pornography from the suspect’s home. Police say the man works for community television and makes videos of children’s events. Andrew Eckard, 33, was charged with several counts of possession of child pornography. Police say his ex-girlfriend found several commercial-grade CDs and DVDs containing child porn at their Millis apartment when she was moving out over the weekend. “It was believed that the children were under the age of 12 that were depicted in these videos,” said Matt Friedel, a prosecutor. “Part of what he does is videotape children’s athletic events in the town of Norfolk — in the town of Millis as well I believe,” Friedel said. “Mr. Eckard also works as a camp counselor.” Eckard’s father posted $5,000 cash bail. Eckard is expected to be released from jail on Friday after he receives a GPS monitoring bracelet.
Boston-ish, MA – What else can you say, there are no if’s, and’s or but’s about it, Andrew Eckard is a classic meat pounder. There’s an awkward phone call, huh? “Hi, Dad? I know I’m 33 but would you mind swinging down to the Millis police station with a check for $5,000 and write “Bail for My Son the Meat Pounder” in the memo?” As men, sometimes we sit around and wonder how many guys out there are lucky enough to be able to go at it with two hands, but I do not wonder that about Mr. Eckard. Instead, I wonder about the little things, like how big of a bribe the guards in prison will require to tell the other inmates he’s in for “armed robbery and assaulting police officers” (aka “cool story”), and not “incessantly pounding his meat to child pornography” (aka “the worst possible story ever.”) Let this be a lesson to all of you that secretly stash whatever may be secretly stashed: Go out and rent a self-storage unit TODAY.
Now, as human beings, we can all agree we get complacent at times. Perhaps Andrew Eckard will always rue the day he got complacent and allegedly left several commercial-grade CD’s and DVD’s containing child porn just lying around at his Millis apartment. The phrase “commercial-grade CD’s” leads me to believe that not only are there some distributors out there that need to answer questions immediately from the Feds, but also that Andrew was able to acheive liftoff simply by going off audio. Congratulations Andrew, you just made the Wicked Improper Meat Pounder Hall of Fame! I haven’t been able to go off audio since the late 80′s when you’d crank the volume on the adult channel and waited for that squiggly line to hold still for a god damned second.
In closing, I know most of you come here because you think I have all the answers, but I don’t. I can only give you my opinions, and in this case, if he’s found guilty of an illness in which there is almost no cure, I hope they put Andrew Eckard to immediate death (i.e. the cure.) By the same token, now that he’s out on bail, I would recommend Mr. Eckard not put any seashells up to his ear this summer, because they’ll only be playing the sweet prison sounds of the rampant and unwelcome penetrations he’s about to experience from now until forever. For those of you that aren’t privy to that sound and would prefer not to know it, just close your eyes and imagine the sounds of a boot stuck in mud coupled with screaming playing on an endless loop.
Anyway, it’s good to be back.