Boston, MA – When you woke up this morning, I bet the last thing you thought you’d see today was a female dog pretend to be a male dog with a dick trying to have sex with my comforter. My wife sent me this video and now my world is completely upside down. All this time, I thought her interests revolved around chasing a ball in the yard, and maybe chewing on a stick, but this thing apparently likes to get her FREAK on. I honestly don’t know if you’ve ever seen a hornier dog in your life. I kind of feel like I owe Comcast an apology, because I told them no one is home during the day to order porn, but now it’s all making sense. Looking back, I should have been tipped off by the titles, “Boxers Gone Wild”, “Two Dalmations, One Cup”, and “Dial ‘PP’ For Poodle Pussy.”

Anyway, I’m as open-minded as they come, so I would have been fine with it if she was just a gayer, kind of like some of you who have sons that enjoy watching “Glee.” While we’re off at work, she’d be home in bed smashing her bean all day, just like a human being on unemployment. That I get. But now I’ve got a female pug that probably thinks she has a huge dick, and I honestly don’t think that I can sleep with my back to her ever again.