Boston, MA – All of the idiots from Red Sox Nation can finally breathe a sigh of relief today as the Red Sox narrowly avoided a winless season by winning a simple game of baseball last night. Now, for those of you that read Wicked Improper from Pakistan and New Zealand (we have the hits to prove it), Baseball, believe it or not, is a game where a player throws a ball over a plate and another player tries to hit it over a fence. By hitting a ball over a fence, a hit known as a “home run” that has literally been done millions of times, the player sends patrons who have paid $150 to sit in the world’s most uncomfortable seats into a god damn frenzy. Once the game is over, win or lose, the Red Sox players can put their penis into any hole in just about any woman (as Boston is notorious for being populated with the easiest women on the planet) and then do a sawing back and forth motion until they release wherever they’d like. To say that a woman’s needs are not at the top of a professional athlete’s priority list would be an understatement. “Well, thanks for helping me forget about going 0-4 tonight by washing my penis with your mouth. Hard to believe it’s time for you to leave already. Would you like me to sign a hat for you?” Even though popular public opinion would indicate these guys only do love-make with absolute 10′s, I bet there have been times when they’ve been blown by one (but probably two) fatties at the same time and then given them $800 to leave by using the fire escape.

Also, love is in the air! Congratulations to Ben Cherington, the GM of the Red Sox who married Tyler Tumminia! I’m not sure how I feel about parting the hair in the middle, or constantly having to repeat yourself because she can’t hear you through that hair helmet, or what appears to be a lack of substantial boobers, but everyone who knows me knows that I love love!

"If it's hairy up there...."