Boston, MA – I received so many well wishes and condolences about Nipples the Cat yesterday that I wanted to let those three people know that she’s alive. She’s not well, but she’s alive. Enter into Exhibit A, this lazy pussy literally gets outhustled and outworked by an ant. There’s no audio, but the whole time I’m like “Are you going to kill that ant or what? Fucking kill it! You’re going to let an ant mock you by waving its’ ass in your face? Slap that shit with your paw, son!” Nothing. No reaction, just sitting there waiting for me to stop filming so she can lick and smash her bean like a stay at home mom watching Days of Our Lives. Like sand through the hourglass, this cat likes to clean her privates a lot.

(Apologies to the Asian Guy in our comments section that offered to serve Nipples the Cat on a Pu Pu Platter. Perhaps you should search the pet section on Craigslist.)

Exhibit B: This video basically shows Nipples the Cat behaving like an illegal alien. Why hunt and work for food when someone will just come along and fill your bowl? It would not surprise me if she made it to 18 years old just so she could vote Democrat. It took everything in my power not to say “vote Democat” there. Anyway, here’s Nipples the Cat, staunch Obama supporter, on the dole, eating and shitting wherever she wants. And if you think she would at least get some exercise on a scratching post, forget about it, my wife had her claws rrrrrrrrrrrrripped out so she wouldn’t fuck up our leather ottoman.