Sad News From The Celebrity D List :-(

 

We get it, you're not your father's son, jc.

Us:  Trace Cryus, 23, revealed he and fiancee Brenda Song, 24, are no longer together.  “Brenda and I have decided to go our separate ways. We split up a couple of months ago,” Trace told Us Weekly in a statement Monday. “We will continue to focus on our careers.”

 

haha, j/k about the sad news.  Regarding your next question:  Trace Cyrus is Billy Cyrus’ son, and Miley Cyrus’s (?) brother.  Brenda Song is a hot (Asian, for those interested), kinda dirty-looking POA who was on Fame or The Miley Cyrus Show or Glee or something.  Kudos to these two for not making the same mistake as Miley and that idiot from The Hunger Games, who, I’m sorry, has nothing on Channing Tatum and his Trouser Dinklange.  The lesson here is, if you have to force feed the press your news about the breakup TWO MONTHS after it happens, you absolutely need to spend a little more time focusing on your career, ’cause it’s in the sh1tter.

Regarding your NEXT next question:  Billy Cyrus has been busying himself postively smashing everything that moves for twenty (20!) years leaving no time to warn his son against arbitrary facial tattoos, so, yeah, that’s how come those things.

 

 

Let’s Face It, Channing Tatum Fever Is Spreading And You Can’t Outrun It

Boston, MA – Goodbye Brad Pitt. Goodbye Ryan Gosling. Goodbye Gaylor Tautner. Your careers as you know them are over. I used to waste my time projecting bitterness and jealousy towards these guys. Like, “Oh, word on the street in H-wood is that Brad has really bad acne.” Or, “I don’t know how Ryan Gosling gets a pass, his glass eye is constantly fixed on the horizon.” If you don’t believe me, please watch “The Ides of March” and try not to get motion sickness from watching his eye floating all over the fucking place. Once you see it, Ladies or Gayers, you’ll never look away, and his devilish little smirk will no longer make your panties or Beckham briefs sop like it once did.

Now, I know I’ve been beating this horse dead all week, but Channing Tatum is now “IT.” There is no denying it anymore. If you recall from our earlier blog, this guy not only has a ripped body, but it honestly looks like he has a Sea Otter living in his underpants. No more sleepless nights for me in early February waiting for Punxatawney Phil. From now on, if Channing Tatum’s dick comes out and sees its’ own shadow, you better keep your mittens and snow shovels at the ready. After seeing the picture below, any woman would be insane to get on her knees and prepare to service him, unless she wants to run the risk of being buried alive under a balls and cockalanche.

Quite frankly, I’m tired of listening to my wife tell me she rarely comes here because there are never any polls for women. So here we go, just for her, here’s a poll designed for our female readers. “But Martin, isn’t this a desperate attempt to have women forward the link around so your blog spreads like a Vagirus?” You bet your sweet ass it is.

 

"My Native American name translates to "Him With Angry Trouser Serpent"

 

Can Someone Please Tell Us What's Going On With Channing Tatum's Dick?

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(Thanks to Boston Sean for continual IT expertise, insight, suggestions and ideas that have been spot on every time. Also, sorry to Boston Sean that this “Thank you” had to come directly beneath Channing Tatum’s helmet)

 

 

Is It Just Me, Or Do You Also Want To Kill Channing Tatum?

 

"Hey, what's up guys? I'm Channing, and all of your women want to suck my dick"

Boston, MA – As I begin packing my bags for a weekend getaway, I notice my wife doesn’t seem too sad to see me go. Here’s why: She told me she’s going to see “The Vow” with a couple of other squawking hens on Saturday night. For those of you that don’t know, “The Vow” stars Channing Tatum and that one trick pony, Rachel McAdams. After I’ve weathered 20 years of her talking about Brad Pitt’s stupid face, now there are three fucking new guys popping up on her bean radar. In no particular order, although I’m sure she has one, she wants to set up camp in ‘Occupy Bedroom’ with Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum, and Cristian Renaldo (among others.) So, we have a guy from the East Coast, the West Coast, and Europe, and her visions of them are colliding together over our bed every night like it’s the Perfect Storm of Cock. It’s no wonder I’ve been having nightmares.

The question is, why don’t guys take advantage of this very unique opportunity as it presents itself to us? If you want to get laid this weekend, there may be no better place to hang out than directly outside the door of the theater where “The Vow” is playing. I want to stress the part about “this weekend”, because this predictable piece of garbage will not make it to week two. Anyway, you’ll instantly know when the movie is over, because three hundred women with their beans involuntarily flapping will be storming the exits, buzzing their way out of the cinema so fast you’ll think a shitload of locusts are coming. Think about that: Three hundred women will emerge from the theater like Zombies who can only survive on helping after helping of dick. It’s perfect. Even the special boy walking around with the Loews Cinema vest and carpet sweeper is going to get blown. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity not to be missed. If I were you guys, I’d probably get one of those nets they use to catch escaped gorillas or a retard that somehow used its’ strength to smash open a gate.

(Depressing Update: Upon further searches for Channing Tatum, I honestly don’t know how we can compete with this guy other than kill him. Here is a picture, barely safe for work, where it appears that Channing has two dicks and four balls. I’m serious. It looks like he has a dick stacked on top of his other dick, and the balls are like “hey, is there any room in here for us?” I honestly don’t know what we’re going to do, guys. I don’t know about you, but I know I can’t compete with two dicks. If you want to see this monster, click here, but you’d better sit down first. If your ears start ringing when you look at that picture, that means your wife is laughing at you behind your back somewhere.)