"Hey, what's up guys? I'm Channing, and all of your women want to suck my dick"
Boston, MA – As I begin packing my bags for a weekend getaway, I notice my wife doesn’t seem too sad to see me go. Here’s why: She told me she’s going to see “The Vow” with a couple of other squawking hens on Saturday night. For those of you that don’t know, “The Vow” stars Channing Tatum and that one trick pony, Rachel McAdams. After I’ve weathered 20 years of her talking about Brad Pitt’s stupid face, now there are three fucking new guys popping up on her bean radar. In no particular order, although I’m sure she has one, she wants to set up camp in ‘Occupy Bedroom’ with Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum, and Cristian Renaldo (among others.) So, we have a guy from the East Coast, the West Coast, and Europe, and her visions of them are colliding together over our bed every night like it’s the Perfect Storm of Cock. It’s no wonder I’ve been having nightmares.
The question is, why don’t guys take advantage of this very unique opportunity as it presents itself to us? If you want to get laid this weekend, there may be no better place to hang out than directly outside the door of the theater where “The Vow” is playing. I want to stress the part about “this weekend”, because this predictable piece of garbage will not make it to week two. Anyway, you’ll instantly know when the movie is over, because three hundred women with their beans involuntarily flapping will be storming the exits, buzzing their way out of the cinema so fast you’ll think a shitload of locusts are coming. Think about that: Three hundred women will emerge from the theater like Zombies who can only survive on helping after helping of dick. It’s perfect. Even the special boy walking around with the Loews Cinema vest and carpet sweeper is going to get blown. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity not to be missed. If I were you guys, I’d probably get one of those nets they use to catch escaped gorillas or a retard that somehow used its’ strength to smash open a gate.
(Depressing Update: Upon further searches for Channing Tatum, I honestly don’t know how we can compete with this guy other than kill him. Here is a picture, barely safe for work, where it appears that Channing has two dicks and four balls. I’m serious. It looks like he has a dick stacked on top of his other dick, and the balls are like “hey, is there any room in here for us?” I honestly don’t know what we’re going to do, guys. I don’t know about you, but I know I can’t compete with two dicks. If you want to see this monster, click here, but you’d better sit down first. If your ears start ringing when you look at that picture, that means your wife is laughing at you behind your back somewhere.)