Palo Alto, CA – A team of climatologists in, of all places, Silicon Valley, may have some rather ‘warming’ news, with regards to every day people clicking “like”, “share”, or “retweet” on articles pertaining to climate change.
Said lead scientist, Dr. David Bulshitzky, “We’re seeing a direct correlation between how human beings react to articles on social media, and how that may positively impact the longevity of our planet.” While Dr. Bulshitzky considers himself a traditional scientist, he now believes that “sending positive vibes” and sharing Greta Thunberg stories could add several millimeters of ice to our glaciers, provided people continue clicking “like” on Facebook. He also implores Instagram’s community of famous influencers to post pictures of themselves drinking Cristal thru paper straws, as “every little bit helps” and can even “offset the damage they do living their every day best lives, which includes private jetting.”
While Dr. Bulshitzky and his team are encouraged by the initial findings, he would like to stress their research is in the early stages, and that the general public should remain cautiously optimistic. “While clicking buttons on social media is good for, like, you know, karma, and that momentary hit of dopamine that gives the average person a false sense of feeling like they actually matter, we should keep in mind that it’s going to take more than that, and more than just protests, as they themselves can actually impact the climate. As an example, we’ve seen negative behavior during recent protests such as littering, starting fires, using public transportation, throwing glitter, taking Uber, defecating behind a Rite-Aid, etc., that has actually left more of a carbon footprint than had protesters simply never left their homes. So, while people’s hearts are generally in the right place, these kinds of patterns would help to explain the recent surge of people voicing their uneducated opinions on social media, but not making a single change to their every day behavior to actually improve anything.”
When asked if he believes Earth has anywhere from 1 year to 12 years remaining, as some have suggested without evidence, Bulshitzky could only laugh as he shook his head and said “No, no. If that were the case, I can assure you that my team and I would no longer be doing research. We would remove our lab coats, turn out the lights, and then go out carousing with prostitutes.”
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