BREAKING: Excerpt From Hunter Biden’s New Book “Beautiful Things” Released

Here’s me, Prince Charming taking a much deserved nap

(The following is an excerpt from Hunter Biden’s new book “Beautiful Things” released in book stores everywhere. Oops, those are all closed due to Covid, and the fact that brick and mortar bookstores and libraries are soon to be history all thanks to Amazon. So, just buy it at Amazon.)

Hey, what’s up, it’s me, Hunter Biden. You know my dad, Joe Biden. And you know me from the news and stuff. People mostly know me for all the coke I do, but there’s more to me than just the guy who you picture doing rails off of Abe Lincoln’s nightstand. Maybe you know me from the pictures of my dong they released on the internet, which is cool. It wasn’t like my bare dong, though, it was jammed into my boxer briefs and let’s just say you didn’t have to zoom in to see I had a half-rager. Other stuff you know me from is when my dad (Joe Biden) was able to get my foot in the door with a company in Ukraine and a few others in a few other countries. It’s cool. The paychecks continue to come in even though I don’t have to really, you know, work work. It’s kind of like, having a job, but not having a job, ya know? Like, the best parts of the job still happen (getting paid) but the worst parts don’t (showing up and having to do mundane shit.) One time at my Ukraine job, I guess some shit happened, so my dad Joe Biden stepped in and said to Ukraine like “if you don’t fire the prosecutor, you’re not getting the billion dollars.” Some people say that was committing extortion on live television, and how could someone be so stupid to do that, but I don’t know, man, all I know is it’s cool to have a dad who has your back. I guess they wanted the billion dollars, because they did fire the prosecutor, who just so happened to be investigating the company that was paying me $80,000 a month for my vast experience in energy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. And I guess the billion dollars was like, what, taxpayer money? Who knows, though, and at this point, to quote Hillary Clinton “what difference does it make?” lol. As for my personal life, I’m married now to the love of my life. No, not that one, this other one I knew was the one after a six day courtship. What can you do, the heart wants what the heart wants, but sometimes so does the bone. The bone also knows what it wants, like the time the bone wanted my dead brother’s widow. Life is weird, man. When you make love to your sister in law it’s like “hey, I would say let’s not make this weird, but this is fuckin’ weird, dude.” Anyway, thanks for buying this book. If sales don’t go well, that’s okay, because I got a huge advance and I get to keep the money even if we only sell four copies. Life is cool. If you get the chance, you should totally publish the memoirs of your family for a shitload of money.


Patrick Chung Indicted on Cocaine Charges But He Is Going To Be Fine

“Wasn’t Mine”

NY Post – New England Patriots safety Patrick Chung was indicted on Aug. 8 for cocaine possession, according to multiple reports, after knowingly possessing cocaine on June 25. “We are aware of the reports regarding Patrick Chung. We will not be commenting while his judicial proceedings take place,” the Patriots said in a statement.

Chung, 32, is scheduled for an arraignment next Wednesday.

Citing a source, Jim Murray of The Sports Hub in Boston tweeted that Chung’s home had an “alarm tripped for a B&E.” Murray wrote that police showed up at the home, had probable cause to enter and found cocaine, leading to the indictment. According to the Laconia Daily Sun, town records show Chung owns a lakeside home in Meredith, N.H.

Defendants are required to appear at arraignments, unless a request stating otherwise is granted. Cocaine possession is a Class B felony. It carries a prison term of up to seven years.

Two Spoiler alerts for you on this story: One, the Patriots will not be commenting while the judicial proceedings take place, but, they also aren’t going to be commenting after they take place, either. What would be the point? I mean, can you really imagine them saying “Well, we would love to talk about hoisting yet another championship banner to start the season, but first, who’s ready for an update on Patrick Chung’s coke fiasco?”

The second spoiler alert is, there is no way these charges are going to stick. If I’m his defense attorney, the first and only thing I’m going to say is “Your honor, the alarm went off at Patrick’s vacation home, which alerted local authorities of a potential breaking and entering. Given that Patrick wasn’t home at the time, one has to assume that the suspects dropped their cocaine, because the Patrick I know, of the world champion New England Patriots, would never do something like that.” 😉

Now, I watch a lot of Law & Order reruns, so I like to dramatize things a bit. My guess is, it won’t even get that far. Lawyers from both sides will meet in some back room (or maybe by FaceTime now?) and just say “Look, you can’t prove the coke is his”, and it will be broomed. If the prosecution decides to get cute and ask for videotape evidence from the home that night, simply use the Jeffrey Epstein prison tapes alibi, or as its’ legally called “Video Cameras Malfunctionus Due to Bribus Maximus.”

In closing, I feel sorry for Patrick Chung. One moment, he gets an alert that someone broke into his vacation house, and the next moment (or, unlike if this were to happen to you or I, a couple of weeks later), he’s getting indicted because someone left a little coca-een-ya behind. Message to Patrick’s friends (OR the breaking and entering suspects): This is a vacation home on a lake, you want to forget your flip flops here, a phone charger, etc., fine, but hey, could you do Patrick a favor and maybe take a second look around to see if you left something that carries a felony prison term and/or potentially contract nullifying substances lying around? Thanks.

In closing closing, I don’t believe Patrick Chung is a cocaine user, however, if he was, this would totally explain how he ran the 40 yard dash in 1.7 seconds.