Wicked Improper Celebrity Series: The Hoff

 

"aaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnndddddd Exhale."

 

Boston, MA – We have lots of people writing in (for a change) to ask how my run-in with Annie Leibovitz ended. Well, as she grabbed her camera bag, she looked over and said sarcastically, “I hope you enjoyed your bagel” and I said “I hope your index finger dies in a fire.” I know that sounds awful, but she told us earlier in the day, ad fucking nauseum, that she had a $1 million insurance policy on it. Her ego was on par with Hasselhoff’s when I met him years back. My girlfriend at the time was an extra in a couple of episodes of Baywatch and invited me to the set. Again, in between takes and trying to find used Pam Anderson bikini bottoms, I found myself at the craft services table where they had these little bite-sized creampuffs that were an absolute delight. So, I’m just standing there, waiting for my girlfriend to be finished so I could nail her in my timeshare, and I’m dunking creampuff after creampuff into the chocolate fountain.
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Hasselhoff: (all ego) “If you keep eating those, you’re going to turn INTO a creampuff.”  (followed by a phony laugh)
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Me: “HAHAHAHAHAHA. That’s not even scientifically possible, Dave.”
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Hasselhoff: “Have we met?”
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Me: “I think so. You’re the guy that doesn’t know how to properly administer CPR, yet has a television show based on his ability to rescue people. I’m the guy that gets to eat and drink on the set of this train wreck, which has ‘shockingly’ been omitted from receiving an Emmy nomination for the 4th straight year.”
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Hasselhoff: “Well, awards are nice, but there are only two things you can do with them: Polish them, or split rails of coke on them.”
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Me: “How would you know?”
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Hasselhoff: “About the polish, or the coke?”
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Me:  “Neither. How would you know about getting an award?”w
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Munson 1, The Hoff 0.

The Wednesday Wouldya?

Boston, MA – How about that Thunder/Heat game last night, huh? Once again, in the fourth quarter, LeBron James was yet again a non-factor. I haven’t seen a brother disappear like that since “Madea Went To Witness Protection.” Sorry, I was waiting all day for the right opportunity to make a joke and plug a movie all at the same time. Let’s talk a little bit about Catherine Grieg, shall we? There are two reasons why I say “a little bit”, and one reason is because you’re probably sick of this story, and the other reason is because some of the Bulgers and their associates may still roam the streets looking for someone to kill and bury under a snack bar on Tenean Beach in Quincy. Anyway, besides having the distinct honor of spending the last 16 years on the lam spread-eagled on a memory-foam mattress in Santa Monica, Catherine Grieg has been chosen to be this week’s Wouldya? Wouldya bang her? Per usual, I’ll go ahead and start us off and let you know how I voted….drumroll……I would. Yep, I know, shocker. Even to me, this one is a shocker. But you know what? Cathy G knows how to keep a secret (or two), so if things get silly in the bedroom you know it’s just between you two. She’s admittedly a fan of plastic surgery on her face, so, one would have to assume she had perfectly mounted fakies installed. I know her to be a lover of art and other objects, which is perfect because I have an object in my pants that I’d like to introduce to the two objects on her chest. This is love in the year 2012. Tittyfucking. It’s back, and I can think of no reason we shouldn’t get all lathered up and go bananas.

(Please be respectful of women, even the ones that are hard to look at as you make your selection below)

 

"Whitey's Slam Piece"

 

Wouldya?

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Peyton Manning To Have Garciaparra Surgery

 

"My Name + Your Product = Money"

Indianapolis, Indiana (in the middle of nowhere) – On the first day of the 2011 NFL season, Peyton “Gatorade, MasterCard, Pepsi, Oreo Cookies, Reebok, Direct TV, Sprint” Manning and the Indianapolis Colts announced he would have neck surgery which will likely sideline him for most of the year, if not the entire season. Everyone enjoys a nice 6 month vacation, especially when you make $38 million a year. However, enjoying your vacation and then waiting until the first day of the season to announce you need surgery is known around these parts as “Garciaparra Surgery.” Yep, Nomar Garciaparra invented this shady practice of declaring a medical issue just before opening day, then going under the knife on the teams time, and not his. Now Manning will sit around all Winter saying to chicks “Sorry girls, bad news. No sex, doctors orders. Fortunately for all of us, I can still receive blowjobs. Starting now. Seriously.” I know fans are all under the delusion that players give a flying fuck what we think, and that athletes are concerned about “family, the team, and the fans”, but it’s more like  “The money, the pussy, the blowjobs, the team, the secret gang bangs, the cars, the boats, the hotels, the broads, we all get a turn with a Kardashian, the coke, the mansion, the iPad2, the gambling on your own games through a friend so it can’t be traced back to you, the facials, the champagne, “making it rain” like an asshole and getting shot at in Denver, rubbing elbows with the Hollywood set, the bonuses, and all the free shit from Adidas.”

Notice how they left “the fans” out of that. So, while Indianapolis fans realize a 2-14 season is imminent with a Zombie for a quarterback in Kerry Collins, they’ll have to turn their attention to the Indiana “Do They Still Have A Team?” Pacers.  Enjoy your Winter Indy fans, it’s gonna be a bitch.

Munson, out.