NY Post – Florida (Where Else?) A Florida man was arrested for allegedly masturbating onto a woman who was shopping with her 12-year-old son in Walmart, a report said. Elias Flor, 19, is accused of the sick act at one of the retail giant’s locations in Winter Haven about 6:30 p.m. Friday, thesmokinggun.com reported, citing a police affidavit.
The creep spotted the pair in the toy section and “unzipped his pants, pulled out his penis and approached the victim,” the report said. While the woman was facing the toy display, Flor pleasured himself in plain sight of the young boy, cops said.
The “distressed” child alerted his mom showed her what Flor had done. The mother then contacted store management, police said. Flor fled the store before police arrived, but he turned himself the following night and admitted to cops to masturbating onto the victim, the report said.
He was charged with battery and lewd/lascivious exhibition by a person.
Well, lewd/lascivious exhibition by “a person” might be a bit of a stretch. I’m not sure about you guys, but I don’t know any persons like this. Yeah, I have a few buddies that tug it off on the reg, but not out in public or anything. We’ve certainly come a long way from seeing an attractive woman and saying “lovely day, isn’t it?” as we tip our caps, to now guys are just throwing batches around like they’re Miggs from “Silence of the Lambs.”
A burning question I have: WHERE ARE THE SURVEILLANCE VIDEOS?
Now, do I want to see a guy climax on a woman’s leg? Well, maybe in the privacy of my own home, but not in the toy aisle of a classy establishment like Walmart I don’t. The key phrase here is Elias “fled the store”, and while the NY Post article doesn’t mention it, you and I both know he fled the store with a boner. On average, after climax, it takes the male penis (that used to be redundant, but now there are some females with penises, I guess) anywhere from 2 to 5 minutes to deflate itself back down to where it just looks pathetic again. Do you have any idea how hard it is to run while trying to hide a boner? Don’t ask how I know, but your arms aren’t free to naturally swing and propel your body forward, so if one (or, as in my case, both) hands are covering your bonesie, it basically feels like you are trying to run while wearing a straight jacket.
Anyway, wouldn’t you love to see the video of this guy turning himself in? Like, how does that conversation even go? He walks into the local police station, and the cops are like “Hey, how can we help? Have you been in an accident? Have you lost your dog?” and this guy is like “No, I think there may be an outstanding warrant for my arrest because I shot jizz at a woman in Walmart last night.”
If there’s a positive to take away from any of this, it’s that we finally have a shooting in a Walmart where no one got killed.