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Female Gorilla Getting Her Frrrrrrrreak On At The Zoo

"Does my finger smell like a banana and tuna fish sandwich to you?"

MSN.com – Is it any surprise that when Gina the chimp was supplied with a TV and remote at the Seville Zoo in Spain, she opted to only watch porn? Primatologist Pablo Herreros recounted in the newspaper El Mundo that Gina selected the porn channel herself, “as many of us would have done.” What else was she supposed to watch, a cooking show? Don’t even suggest comedy. Not an option ever since “Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp” went off the air. Doing the wild thing is pretty much the only relevant subject of interest, but maybe it’s just our weird obsession with clothes (and taking them off) that’s so entertaining. Right, Gina?

To me, the most shocking thing about this story isn’t how this horny ape got Punk’d into smashing her bean by Pablo Herreros and his team of voyeuristic researchers. It’s that someone got paid to write it for MSN.com while I’ve been toiling in not just relative, but LITERAL anonymity here at Wicked Improper. How is this a news story? We’ve known for quite some time now (several hundred years?) that we’re basically monkeys that know how to drive a car and vote Democrat. So, Primatologist Pablo Herreros states the obvious: Gina the chimp slut, when given control, picked the porn station “just as many of us would have done.” Well, as someone who has conducted extensive research on this subject by opting to watch thousands of hours of free porn while lathering himself into a frenzy, that’s not surprising. The only difference between me and, ahem, “Doctor” Herreros, is that he gets paid for his research, and I did mine Pro-Boner. You see, when an individual (human or otherwise) has a genetic sex addiction, or, at the very least a tendency to pleasure themselves (immediately after their wife pulls out of the driveway), they typically display the one and only symptom the rest of us do: They like to shoot cum. And, we don’t just like it, we need it to survive. And when I’m not busy doing it, Mrs. Munson is busy doing it for me. Last night she wanked me off so fast I nicknamed her the “Usain Bolt of Handjobs.” Now, if any of you have ever been to the monkey cages at the Zoo, you know it smells like poopers and lettuce in there. They are literally shitting where they eat. Yet, while their learning capacity may be somewhat limited, I truly believe we have an opportunity to teach them progressive new behavior patterns. Meanwhile, “Dr.” Herreros is busy riling up the monkeys with videos of titty fucking. The last thing we need for us, or our children, is to witness Gina and her massive forearms dilling herself out with the business end of a wooden chair leg as she watches clips from Bangbus.com. I mean, we’re at the god damn zoo for christ’s sake. Come on, Herreros.

(Thanks to Chris for the link, I guess.)

A Blog About Health, And To Be More Specific, Pooping

"This is what your dump looks like through a microscope"

(This article was sent in from one of my famous friends who shall remain nameless. As a courtesy to our readers who send in videos, pictures, etc., we do not disclose personal information without that person’s consent. In the unlikely event we cannot resist telling you who sent in what, this particular article was sent in from Johnny DiLoretto.)

Huffingtonpost.com – Though childish songs make crude jokes, there’s nothing funny about diarrhea. Aside from the painful, twisting feeling in your guts, there’s just something psychologically upsetting about losing control of your bowels. It’s embarrassing. It’s disgusting. And we’ve all been there. But for many, diarrhea is more than a shameful stain to be washed away in an impromptu laundry load; in the US alone, more than 500,000 suffer and 15,000 die every year from uncontrollable diarrhea caused by infection with Clostridium difficile.

Pretty alarming picture, huh? Even though most of us were expecting something brown, those things are purple like it’s one of Grimace’s dumps. Who had the coveted job of taking that picture, do you suppose? An intern, right? Real doctor: ”Here, go mash this poop nugget between two slides and capture a jpeg we can send to Huffington Post.” That room has got to be smelly. I’d rather work in a Forensics lab testing gallons of semen trying to catch rapists. At least that room smells like someone just mopped it with bleach. What alarms me about this story is that 15,000 people die every year from uncontrollable diarrhea. That’s an oxymoron, right? Nobody can control diarrhea, not without being the life of the party anyway. I honestly can’t think of a worse way to die than under my own poopalanche. Perhaps the only way to escape would be if you inflated one of those North Face jackets and rose to the surface. Now, as human beings, it’s in our very nature to deal with horrifying events (especially those where someone has died suffocating in their own shit frappe) by having a sense of humor about it. If people are expected to attend a wake where someone has died at the smelly hands of their own poop, they should fill that person’s casket with chili so only their head is exposed. BYOC (chips) for dipping! Have a receiving line that quickly turns into Pun City: “Sorry for your loss, he was a good shit”, “I mean this in the good way, but he was a real asswipe”, etc. What better opportunity to teach your children about the lighter side of death than by sending them out back to hit a colon-shaped pinata that explodes Tootsie rolls? You may never again have the chance to attend a wake where the cause of death is “ass”, so let’s try to have some fun with this thing.

Take care of yourself, and may you drop nothing but solids today.
Martin

Meat Pounder In The News!

"Look nauseous if this photo was taken after you were brought up on child porn charges!"

Boston, MA – A pediatric dentist with an office in Framingham is facing child pornography charges after authorities allegedly found illicit images on a laptop computer that he brought to a service provider for repairs, prosecutors said. Melvin A. Ehrlich, 52, of Millis, was arrested and is scheduled to be arraigned Thursday in Framingham District Court on charges of possession of child pornography and distribution of child pornography, the office of Middlesex District Attorney Gerard T. Leone Jr. said. Ehrlich had brought his laptop to a service provider to remove a suspected virus and while working on the machine, the technician discovered suspected child pornography and called police, prosecutors allege. Authorities determined after an extensive investigation that Ehrlich, who operates a business called Wee Care for Kids in Framingham, used the laptop to download and distribute commercially traded child pornography, according to Leone’s office. “While the case remains under development and investigation, there is currently no evidence that presently leads law enforcement to believe that Ehrlich physically abused any children or manufactured any images of child pornography,” the statement said. A spokeswoman for Leone declined to identify the service provider that examined Ehrlich’s laptop or provide the exact time-frame of events, but said the probe was a “months-long” investigation. Ehrlich wrote in his autobiography to his professional website that he received a psychology degree from Boston University before attending dental school in Atlanta. “I chose a career in Pediatric Dentistry because I love being around children,” he wrote. “They’re so honest, humorous and fun. I find it very refreshing and wouldn‘t give it up for anything.”

Boston, MA – Well, after a few uncommonly quiet weeks, we can no longer tiptoe around this fact: We are caught in the very epicenter of a Meat Pounding Storm. It’s raining slowly massaged dicks and balls out there. Remember yesterday, with the Maestro of Masturbate, the ex-Reverend Lowe Dongor? And who could forget Dawaylan Hall running through the streets of Columbus, OH with his frequently exposed brown baguette? And now, here we have Melvin Ehrlich, proprietor of “Wee Care for Kids”, which gives me the shivers just to type by the way, allegedly receiving and “uh-oh!” sending child pornography. I’m not sure why sending it is worse than receiving it, but it just is, especially to law enforcement, the courts, and future inmates who are going to be using their dicks to wear this guys’ asshole for a mitten. I mean, I receive so many regular porn links from spambots each day, I have enough to last me a lifetime and potentially beyond. I don’t need to then turn around and forward those links to guys in other countries like we belong to some kind of all male book club that revolves around pounding our meat and not reading. Speaking of which, why do free porn sites have Facebook and Twitter links? Who is going to be like “After I finish wrangling one out to two Milfs passing the pizza delivery guys’ dick back and forth like it’s a relay race baton, I really want to stay connected and share the link with my social media network and family”? Anyway, what else can you say? Melvin Erhlich, you sir are one tooth polishing Meat Pounder. Ultimately, Melvin, you were caught white-handed because you didn’t want to let saved child porn bygones be bygones. Perhaps when your body is being used for a mattress at MCI-Concord, it will quickly dawn on you that you should have just spent $300 on a new Google Chromebook.

One Meat Pounder down, many, many to go.

"Open wide!"

The Wednesday Wouldya?

"They're calling for precipitation"

Boston, MA – Even though Sandy the Storm was a month ago, those c-suckers in New York have just now finally stopped talking about all the damage and power outages. Take a positive out of a negative New York, at least your electricity bill for the month is going to be mad low. And while we’re on the subject, if the National Weather Center has to name the next storm something that begins with a ‘T’ and it comes up short of predictions, they may as well call it “Tyrion” after that dwarf on ‘Game of Thrones.’ Now let’s get down to business. My friend Curley emailed and said he had “officially put Shiri Spear” of Fox25 news into his “spank bank.” If she’s reading this, I hope Shiri considers this an honor as it takes a very special gal to even be considered for Curley’s Whack Rolodex. I’ve seen Shiri on the morning news, and yeah, I can pull my balls this way and that way to her before getting out of bed, but I don’t know if she’s given me a rager (unless it’s already up to make tinkles.) Which brings us to the Wednesday Wouldya? Would you guys nail her? Per usual, I’ll go ahead and start off the voting, so here we go… drumroll …. I would. Yep, I know, shocker. Even though she’s a little on the chubby side, you know she can forecast the shit out of your tee time. At first “glance” this looks like an easy decision, but take a “look” at the picture below before casting your vote. Please be respectful of others feelings before saying whether or not you would choose to penetrate.

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"Reading from two teleprompters?"

Tropical Storm Sandy Is Bullshit

"Fuck off, Sandy"

Boston, MA – Are you dicking me with this storm tracker? It looks like an octopus at a gay pride rally shooting a rainbow facial all over Cuba or whatever that is. I will bet you anything we will not feel a single raindrop in the Boston area. The panic propaganda machine known as our local news would have you believe you should “go stock up on milk and bread”, but guess what? In a couple of days, according to the Wicked Improper Live Doppler, it’s going to be “a little bit windy.” We’ll all still be at work. If you do buy into this bullshit and go out for milk and bread, maybe consider buying some other shit, too, unless you’re plan for survival is making epic servings of french toast. What would my survival plan entail? I would stock up on ribeyes, cabernet, and fully charge my iPad2 after filling it to the god damn brim with porn. Being prepared for any circumstance, such as inclimate weather, is just one of my core beliefs. So, over the next few days, as you hear a lot of assholes talk about how much fun it can be to lose power and read by candlelight and develop cataracts, remember it was your friend Martin who reminded you to stock up on the essentials. So, do yourself a favor and Google “asian raft massage” today and prepare your downloads in the very likely event that I am wrong about this storm.

Thanks,

Martin

Raining Enough For Ya?

Boston, MA – Raining enough for ya? First it was “too hot”, then it was “too humid”, then it was “too cloudy”, now it’s “too wet”, then it was “OMG was that lightning?” and now it’s “there’s a tornado warning in Lynn.” (All things considered, if you have to pick a place to have a twister….) Anyway, Kevin Lemanowicz at Fox25 told us last night during his underpaid 29 hour shift that there would be thunderstorms, guys. This shouldn’t really come as a shock to anyone, and yes that was a fairly well-timed yet sophomoric pun about lightning. Probably the person that had the worst day, in terms of weather, is none other than yours truly. I went home around 1pm for a possible lunchtime j/o and found out I had no power. If there’s no power, there’s no Wifi, and if there’s no Wifi, there’s no Whackfi. I couldn’t even go off an awesome memory or pics of Joan Lloyd I have saved to my phone.

I wonder if Mrs. Munson would somehow be feeling better if I looked more like Kevin Lemanowicz and not Kevin Arnold?

(Disclosure: This video is not exciting. Please come back tomorrow as I will be posting an entertaining video of someone getting eaten alive by a bear.)

Martin and Red Mentioned on Fox25 (Entire Cast “LOL’s” At Our Tweet)

Boston, MA – Well, if you haven’t heard by now, Starbucks is going to open yet another location, this time inside a Funeral Home in South Carolina. I am neither shocked that Starbucks has stooped to this level of revenue generation, nor the fact this is taking place in South Carolina. Quite frankly, I don’t give a shit. If coffee helps people cope with death as they mill about and try to forget there’s a $7,000 box containing a drained corpse in the room, you know what, go ahead and enjoy a Vente Mocha Skimmy Nutty Halfie Creamy Espresso Double Shotty Latte. Who better than $tarbuck$ to provide that comfort? If you don’t drink coffee, don’t worry, you can always find inner peace by using our method for coping with grief at a wake: Scoping Milfs.

We don’t believe in spoilers around here, so you’ll have to watch the video if you want to see why Shannon Mulaire calls us “different than your typical.” That’s almost the best compliment I’ve ever received, second only to “I don’t think it will fit in there.”

I suppose if you wanted to follow us on Twitter, you could do that here

Is Kevin Lemanowicz A Cyborg?

Boston, MA – With the exception of Bianca De La Garza, there’s no reason to watch any other news station in Boston than Fox25. Let me tell you about my day yesterday, and then you cast your vote. My wife and I woke up, and there was Kevin Lemanowicz giving the 5-day forecast (spoiler: it blows.) Then I came home at lunch to walk the dog, and there was Kevin Lemanowicz, talking about a pocket of high pressure and some other shit that basically means my tee time is fucked. Then, last night at 11pm, Kevin Lemanowicz was giving me the same shitty 5-day forecast that he was at 6am! Dude just put in a 17 hour work day like an undocumented landscaper. On the other hand, you have Gene Lavanchy waltzing in at 5am, shooting the shit for a few hours surrounded by milfs, then tapping out at 9am to play golf.

Here’s a “Wouldya?” for our female audience (or some of the gayers that read us.) Wouldya with Kevin Lemanowicz? He’s the Chief Meteorologist at Fox25. He looks like a movie star. Without going into too many details, he can probably get in a push-up position to measure the snow and count out the first 8 inches. He should be getting 2 salaries, one for working 17 hours a day, and the other for looking delicious to the stay at home moms. As a non-gayer, I can still recognize male hotness when I see it, so I challenge you to find a hotter weatherman out there. As far as weathermen go, he makes Al Keprielian look like, well, Al Keprielian.

"That's Kevin on the left with some guy from Middle Earth and another guy from Just For Men"

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Public Apology to Kristine Leahy (but “Thank You” to BiBi Jones)

"oh my god do I apologize"

Boston, MA – It’s kind of a bittersweet day for us here at Wicked Improper. Last night, BiBi Jones tweeted our blog and nearly melted our servers (and our hearts. Aww.) Go see BiBi tonight at Alex’s in Stoughton if you like seeing beautiful women naked. If you’re not into that kind of thing, welcome gay readers! Maybe you’d like to slip into something a little more comfortable and read our blog about Barney Frank’s wedding. But now, as promised, we will publicly apologize for being dickheads to Kristine Leahy at Fox25 News.

Dear Kristine Leahy,

On January 26th, 2012, I posted an unfair blog titled “Gronk Spike Fail” in which you, and your video from the rooftop of Fox25, were the subject. Although I’m a diehard Boston sports fan, as well as a Fox25 News fan, as well as a Kristine Leahy fan (I follow you from roughly 60 phony Twitter accounts so you can never carve me out of your life), I was running a temperature of 103 with Gronk Fever and wanted everyone to stop talking about it. I was also in a bad mood because I was shut off from consuming more alcohol at Scoreboard in Woburn the night before, although that has nothing to do with your video.

When I came across your Gronk video, I admit that I was too quick to judge (kind of like a certain waitress in Woburn.) After calming down and reviewing the video 30 times, a few of them in super slo-mo, I’ve come to realize that not only did you throw a pretty tight spiral, but your form was better than Scott Zolak’s. While I’m fairly certain this apology will never be accepted, I’d like to publicly say that I’m sorry for my nasty response, and I’m also sorry for my poor choice of words, especially that part about attempting to court you in my Camry.

Now let’s talk about the results of our poll, where our faithful readers mostly disagreed with my assumption.

52 votes, a whopping 65% of people that took the poll answered: “Who cares, she’s hot”

16 votes, at 20%, people answered: “She’s better than Billy Cundiff”

The rest of our readers combined for a measly 15%, and I’d like to take this opportunity to not share those answer options. For those readers that want to see the original blog, or vote on the video, please visit here.

For those of you that would like to follow Kristine Leahy from one Twitter account (or more), visit here.

Sincerely,

Martin

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