MSN.com – Is it any surprise that when Gina the chimp was supplied with a TV and remote at the Seville Zoo in Spain, she opted to only watch porn? Primatologist Pablo Herreros recounted in the newspaper El Mundo that Gina selected the porn channel herself, “as many of us would have done.” What else was she supposed to watch, a cooking show? Don’t even suggest comedy. Not an option ever since “Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp” went off the air. Doing the wild thing is pretty much the only relevant subject of interest, but maybe it’s just our weird obsession with clothes (and taking them off) that’s so entertaining. Right, Gina?
To me, the most shocking thing about this story isn’t how this horny ape got Punk’d into smashing her bean by Pablo Herreros and his team of voyeuristic researchers. It’s that someone got paid to write it for MSN.com while I’ve been toiling in not just relative, but LITERAL anonymity here at Wicked Improper. How is this a news story? We’ve known for quite some time now (several hundred years?) that we’re basically monkeys that know how to drive a car and vote Democrat. So, Primatologist Pablo Herreros states the obvious: Gina the chimp slut, when given control, picked the porn station “just as many of us would have done.” Well, as someone who has conducted extensive research on this subject by opting to watch thousands of hours of free porn while lathering himself into a frenzy, that’s not surprising. The only difference between me and, ahem, “Doctor” Herreros, is that he gets paid for his research, and I did mine Pro-Boner. You see, when an individual (human or otherwise) has a genetic sex addiction, or, at the very least a tendency to pleasure themselves (immediately after their wife pulls out of the driveway), they typically display the one and only symptom the rest of us do: They like to shoot cum. And, we don’t just like it, we need it to survive. And when I’m not busy doing it, Mrs. Munson is busy doing it for me. Last night she wanked me off so fast I nicknamed her the “Usain Bolt of Handjobs.” Now, if any of you have ever been to the monkey cages at the Zoo, you know it smells like poopers and lettuce in there. They are literally shitting where they eat. Yet, while their learning capacity may be somewhat limited, I truly believe we have an opportunity to teach them progressive new behavior patterns. Meanwhile, “Dr.” Herreros is busy riling up the monkeys with videos of titty fucking. The last thing we need for us, or our children, is to witness Gina and her massive forearms dilling herself out with the business end of a wooden chair leg as she watches clips from Bangbus.com. I mean, we’re at the god damn zoo for christ’s sake. Come on, Herreros.
(Thanks to Chris for the link, I guess.)