Boston, MA – It’s pretty evident that Squirties the Pug wants to do two things with her life: eat food and hump my comforter until she busts her non-existent nuts. If you need proof, look no further than our footage of her interraction with the rotund, asthma-riddled drama queen, Nipples the Cat. Here’s a Wicked Improper exclusive video of Nipples coughing and wheezing her tits off, and Squirties is just chilling like “Catta, please.” Now, you know we don’t like spoilers around here, but this video begins and ends with Squirties basically not giving a shit. If Squirties could talk (and I don’t think she ever will because when we’re in private I beg her to), I bet she’d tell Nipples to take a fuckin’ heaven hike so she could finally get some dick up in here. See, Mrs. Munson thinks we’re getting a male dog next, but if you think I’m going to crank the volume for “Breaking Bad” while Squirties howls the night away as she gets railed over my ottoman, you have another thing coming, whatever that means.

(Please do not email or comment about the health of Nipples. Squirties and I are vehemently against medicine, and the costs associated with them, and have agreed to simply give Nipples Temptation treat after Temptation treat to shut her the fuck up. We also have a Do Not Recussitate order, so please respect our wishes and privacy.)