Boston, MA – There must be a place, somewhere in the bowels of Massachusetts (ranked 50th out of a possible 50 on the “States you can have fun in” list), where a gentleman can go for a massage that ends with a fairly priced handjob, right? Well, there is. While we can’t tell you the name of the establishment, or its’ location, we can tell you that the mysterious Rub n’ Tugs do exist. And, as your friends, we can tell you how to make it happen.

Like you, I used to look at the glass of handjobs as half empty. I used to think that the day I went in for the ultimate massage would be the same day the State Police were running a sting operation. “But Martin, didn’t the State Police recently catch other State Police in their own sting operation?” Touche. Of course, the big difference between them getting caught and you getting caught is you’re the only one going to jail without paid leave. Anyway, my whole life philosophy has changed. Now I look at the world through “hands going up and down on my shaft” colored glasses.

Now, let’s get back to how you get your HJ. During the massage, say one of the following:

1. “That feels amazing. I wish there was something you could do that would justify a $50 tip.”

2. “You probably get this a lot, but, do guys ever ask you to put your professional license and career on the line by asking for a happy ending? That is so inappropriate and gross. But, how did you answer them?”

3. “This reminds me of something I saw on Pornhub. Only, the woman playing your role was Asian, and the guy playing my role was completely shaved and ended up getting a blajoejay for $25. That’s not a realistic price. Is it?”

I would be surprised if none of those worked for you. Sometimes you have to send one up the flagpole to see if it flies. The good news is, if you can’t get your happy ending, once they leave the room you can wrangle one out into their laundry hamper. Cover it with a few more towels so they can’t pinpoint who’s responsible. This same option applies at tanning salons.

No “thank you” necessary,

Martin