Boston, MA and Somerset, MA, Home of the Tanning Salon Robbery – Well, our biggest fears have been realized. It turns out that our commenters, readers, and Kyle the Mis-Speller were right: Ashley Lezandro has a baby inside of her. If there’s one thing I know, it’s how to decipher the gender of a baby based strictly on how the mother is carrying. It is very clear to this blogger that Ashley is going to give birth to an Italian. I just based that on a few things. The tanning, the alleged armed robbery of a cash register containing $100, and the perfectly mounted fake gravy bags that unfortunately will not produce any milk when suckling, even though as an adult I can almost guarantee they are fun to practice on.

Now, the real question is, will Ashley’s body bounce back into bikini shape by Labor Day? If there is a god, I know he is up there right now with the best cleavage viewing perspective of anyone, and he’s got an undecided, yet throbbing semi. God, if you are reading this, please accept my prayer to let Ashley be in the 1% that isn’t gross and disfigured after giving birth.

Looking back, it’s kind of embarrassing to see that I laid all of my cards on the table for Stacy when I wrote the hit song “The Somerset Three”, but now I’m back on Team Ashley. She needs our support (literally, like back support), so let’s take a trip down mammary lane and cast your vote once and for all for Ashley.

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(Wicked Improper is a proud sponsor of “National Pull Out Day”, where people that plan to insert their penis into a woman, or, for our gayer audience, into the gross hairy bum of a man, are encouraged to withdraw prior to release in an effort to curb our very evident overpopulation issue as well as stopping the spread of disease. You may resume normal blasting the following day.)