BREAKING: Lisa Montgomery Has Arrived In Hell

HOW IT STARTED / HOW IT’S GOING

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to Lisa Montgomery, who is dead now thanks to good ol’ capital punishment. Her crime? Well, she basically posed as someone who was going to purchase a dog, and when she got there, she strangled the breeder and then used a knife to cut open her stomach and stole the unborn child. Actually, I guess once you come out of there, whether it’s a natural birth, a c-section (stands for caesarean and not the other c), or extraction via Ginsu knife, you’re technically born now whether you like it or not. Of course, this story is from the NY Times, so they used it as yet another opportunity to make it about ol’ Double Impeacho himself, Donald Trump. I mean, this is how the article starts:

“The Trump administration early Wednesday morning executed Lisa M. Montgomery, the only woman on federal death row, whose death marked the first federal execution of a woman in nearly 70 years.” In other words, if you read nothing else, the first paragraph basically says “Trump executed a woman.”

Of course, her attorney and some other assholes (but, I repeat myself) tried to get this bitch off because she had a fucked up childhood. Welcome to the club. Anyway, they confirmed she had a mental illness (gee, ya think?), and thought, you know what, Trump’s having a grand ol’ time at the White House, why don’t we call him to see if he’d like to release a psychopath back into the wild? (Spoiler but not really because you already know she’s dead: Trump said no thanks bruh)

The good news is, Trump has a bit of an impressive hot streak going, and has already executed eleven people (not counting all the terrorists that he got no credit for) during his presidency, and there are two more on the way before he walks out of the White House with his blankie and lunchbox. Corey Higgins and Dustin Higgs are lined up to be smoked this Friday, but guess what, true story, they delayed the executions because both of them have Covid-19. Yes, you read that right, they are not killing these two pieces of shit because they have the virus. I don’t know, you’d think you’d want to just kill them immediately before they have the chance to spread it around? It would be kind of funny if the warden was like “We’re all in this together. Except for those two, take them to the electric chair.”

I know this sounds a little heartless, so I will admit, there are times that the wrong person has been imprisoned/put to death, and that’s a bummer dude. More often that not, they have the right person, and that’s good enough for me. Also, something to keep in mind as you do 23 and Me or Ancestry.com, is they now have your DNA on file and it would take them two seconds to frame you for a murder. They could easily plant some of it on the murder weapon, or shoot it all over a dead hooker’s back, you don’t know. All I know is, whenever DNA evidence is introduced in court, this typically spells bad news for the defendants I’ve seen on reruns of Matlock.

Quick side note: People always talk about what their last prison meal would be, some people say pizza, baked stuff lobster, etc. , but not me. For my last meal, please bring me a pillow case filled with magic mushrooms and put on some Allman Brothers.

Have a great night, bye Lisa.

Martin