Ladies and Gentlemen, I Give You “New Elvis”

Boston, MA – For me, it’s a toss up between which disease I’d rather have. Let’s say you gave me the choice between Tourette’s and Parkinson’s, okay? I think I’m gonna have to go with Tourette’s. Not only is Parkinson’s a death sentence, but it basically makes you feel like you’re a human cement mixer. Plus, no one hangs on to any pictures you’re in because you always appear blurry. Although, Tourette’s may as well be a death sentence, too, because who’s going to hang out with you? Did you say “a hooker?” That’s what I was thinking, but they’re probably going to charge you with an additional Tourette’s fee. Honestly, the only pro I can think of with Parkinson’s is that you could whack it with your hands behind your head. Just lean your dick against a mailbox and let the shaking milk you off. See what I mean about it being a toss up?

(Thanks to Chris for the link and the other 6 people that read us and this guy with Tourette’s. Buy something from his site or just PayPal him some money to get shitfaced)

 

Best Served Cold: Dude Settles Score With Bully After 50 Years

 

It's A Wonderful Life, kids!

 

Detroit Free Press:  The 72-year-old man gunned down by a former high school classmate  in January over a 50-year grudge was a loving grandfather and respected by coworkers and the community.  Norman Johnson was shot and killed at his doorstep by Carl V. Ericsson, 73, on Jan. 31. On Friday, Ericsson was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

The sentencing brings some closure to a brutal killing sparked years ago by a sports incident when the two were in high school, in which a jockstrap was pulled over Ericsson’s head.

“I can’t blame you for being jealous of Dad,” testified Beth Ribstein, Johnson’s daughter. “In high school, he was popular, he was athletic, he dated Mom. They had 52 wonderful years together. He had two daughters that adored him, four grandchildren that worshiped him. Over 600 people attended his funeral.”

 

I’m firmly in the camp of those who say that kids who are bullied need to leave that sh1t in high school and simply move on as best as you can.  Comfort yourself by knowing that your tormentors’ best days are likely behind them while you’re cashing your stock dividend from the the I/T company you started in your basement.  You made it!  Don’t wallow in sorrow and self pity.  Rejoice!

But.  Is Beth f*cking kidding me with the whole jealousy thing?  “Popular?”  “Athletic?”  “Dated [ed. note: lol] mom?”  Carl wasn’t jealous of Norman because he f-ed a lot of chicks in high school (spoiler alert for Beth).  Carl simply wanted to kill Norman.  This is a classic Back to the Future alternate reality playing out, only in this one, Biff/Norman has his way with George’s/Carl’s would-be love interest in his late model Chevy, they beget Beth and a bunch of other Perfect Johnsons, and George/Carl lives a depressing, solitary life sprinkled with regret and garnished with failure.  Once Carl realized he was running out of time and his imaginary friend Doc STILL hadn’t perfected the time machine, he had to take matters into his own hands.

No movie script here, film fans.  Just a classic case of being unable to f*ck with the space/time continuum.