Unless you have been living under a rock, or, barely living while intubated as doctors and nurses assist as you cling to life fighting off the coronavirus, you may have seen these images floating around the internet. If you have, and you’re like me, you probably thought “what the fuck is this?” I don’t even care if they are nipple rings, it’s just kind of weird to have an elected official walking around with what appears to be barbell style nipple rings while conducting government business. You’d think he would just put duct tape over it, kind of like guys (or former first ladies, allegedly) who have to tape down their big dicks. Instead, he’s like “Hello everyone, I’m here to talk about the global pandemic while my nipples and whatever might be piercing them sticks thru my shirt. I’ll be taking questions right after I read this speech that someone else wrote.”
It would seem to this self-employed, satirical journalist that those are nipple rings. The only other plausible explanation is that he somehow split his nipple in half in the worst paper cut accident of all time. How would that even happen?
Governor Cuomo: “Hey, throw me that manila folder, will ya?”
Staffer: “Are you sure you can catch it?”
Cuomo: “Throw me the fuckin’ thing.”
Staffer: “Well, I will, but you know how erratic they are once they’re airborne, they can be quite menacing. They zig when you think they’re going to zag, and you really can’t predict how..”
Cuomo: “Look, I don’t pay you to be a fucking physicist, I pay you to do whatever I say. THROW IT TO ME.”
Staffer: *throws envelope*
Cuomo: (reaches for the envelope as it zigs right, but at the last second it zigs left, and he’s shirtless for some reason. Kind of like Katie Hill. The thin edge of the envelope, no, not that edge, the thin thin one, comes down and slices his nipple in half) “OH MY FUCKING GOD. OH JESUS CHRIST THAT BURNS, HOLY FUCKING SHIT MY NIPPLE IS GUSHING BLOOD YOU FUCKING MORON I WILL HAVE YOU KILLED.”
Staffer: “I guess now would be a bad time to ask for that letter of recommendation?”
*Cue laugh tracks, roll credits*
The previous has been a dramatization. I feel great and am not suicidal.