Boston, MA – Channing Tatum, the actor perhaps best known for having 8 pounds of trouser meat that, if you put them side by side would dwarf Peter Dinklage (sure, pun intended), is rumored to thankfully retire from acting after “Magic Mike” makes its’ two week stint in theaters.

No straight guy is going to see this movie, right? Can you imagine 400 pairs of feet belonging to females (and a few gayers) resting on seats in front of them, rubbing their pussies up and down so fast in unison you’d think we’re being invaded by crickets? I’ll tell you who I really feel sorry for: The kid that has to clean the theater. There’s going to be 600 gallons of vaginal discharge (and a few jism launches from gayers) sliming the floors, literally leaking its’ way to the emergency exits on either side of the screen. If I’m that kid, I’m making two demands and I’m making two demands quick: double-time/hazard pay, and a really good pair of noseplugs.

And now it’s time to give credit where credit is due. The line of the day today comes from none other than the shopenomically gifted Mrs. Munson. While we watched the preview for “Magic Mike” this morning, I had no choice but to go with a classic defense mechanism that masks my jealous rage and tried to diminish Channing’s success by saying “it’s a shame that women take such a liking to him, you know, since he’s bisexual and eats balls and everything.”

Mrs. Munson: “I’ll take the half that likes pussy.”