Boston, MA – There are a couple of things I’d like to point out with this video, excluding the part about how I suck at recording them. First, you have Mrs. Phelps, who has never swam a single god damn lap in her life, basically demanding Michael get back in the pool. “Come on, get with the program, Michael.” Yeah? Exactly whose program are we talking about, Fatty? Your fucking program? The program where your entire overly carbohydrated life revolves around his success? This kid has 18 medals and $40 million or whatever, if he wants to pack a bowl and rip bonghits after burning 12,000 calories a day, I say let him. He kinda earned it. He also skipped a couple of workouts when he got to model with Bar Rafaeli. Come on, Michael, get with the program. I honestly don’t know how he was able to keep his erections down. If that was me, the whole time they’d be like “Cut! Tell Wardrobe to bring a few more suits down here, Martin’s helmet just tore through another pair of Speedos.”

Also, knowing what we now know about Anderson Cooper (8=============D), take a look at how smitten he is with Phelpsie. He’s completely mesmerized. You can totally imagine Anderson gargling blue Powerade while passing Michael a note that says “Let me soothe your penis muscles in my mouth jacuzzi.”

Take the poll (sure, pun intended) then watch the video to see how well you did.