Boston, MA – Did you watch it? I guess the most difficult thing about getting raped by a Polar Bear is when you’d give anything for one free moment to reach your keychain and turn off your car alarm. That had to be kind of embarrassing. The whole neighborhood must have been like “jesus fucking christ, either escape or die, but turn off that fucking horn. It’s Saturday!” The other thing, dare I mention it, is….drumroll….I would. With the chick, not the bear. She’s clearly a survivalist. She’s got a pretty ripped body and also has some Daddy issues (i.e. likes cum) which explains why she refuses to be separated from her pink woobie. And, she simultaneously survived two of my biggest fears in life: Getting eaten alive by a bear, and dying on someone’s hideous patio. Helloooo, got Rust-Oleum?

In closing, I was actually shocked this video took a violent turn when the Polar bear tried to rip off her panties and give her his arctic bone. All this time, thanks to the commercials, I thought it would be neat to go tobogganing and split a 6-pack of Coke with Polar Bears while shooting the shit about a couple of our sick runs, but as it turns out, they’re the horniest animals on the planet* and it would not surprise this ass-virgin’d blogger if they were bi-curious.

* – with all due respect to the 2 million bearded gayers that descend on Provincetown each year to quite literally fill the streets and sewers with a gabillion gallons of saved up loads. If you visit, do not drink the tap water, and bring your galoshes.