Boston, MA – Jacoby Ellsbury, the left-handed centerfielder for the Boston Red Sox, injured his right shoulder after a collision at second base. He has been placed on the 15-day disabled list, but since he throws lefty, signs autographs lefty, twists pasta with his fork lefty, one can only assume that he rubs his little injun lefty. However, we spoke to an anonymous source on the Sox’ medical staff, and here’s what he had to say: “Jacoby’s got a subluxation in his right shoulder, so he’s not going to be swinging a bat for a while. A lot of people in the Boston media want to know how things will progress, in terms of masturbation, if he goes at it righty or lefty, or if he’s one of the gifted few that can two-hand it, but what they’re not remembering is that Jacoby is a world famous athlete in the city that for centuries has notoriously housed the easiest women on the planet. If he happens to be out for 6 to 8 weeks, it would not surprise me one bit if his penis was never dry during that time period.”

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"It's gonna be okay. I'm lefty"