Boston, MA – Squirties the Pug would like to remind you all to stay cool over the next couple of days. The heat index is literally going to be off the charts, and guys, you’ll know when it reaches its’ peak when you’re peeling your scrotum from your thighs with the consistency of a Fruit Roll-Up. Ladies, you’ll know, as will everyone around you, that the heat index has reached its’ peak, or the lawn has gotten too high, or your mani/pedi appointment was canceled, when you become an unbearable snatch. There was a time, not too long ago, when I was the internets number one proponent of “Fresh Balls”, a lotion that you rub all over your mashed up balls and taint so you smelled like baby powder even under the smelliest of circumstances. However, with economic times being what they are, now I simply take my thumb and forefinger to stretch and pull my bag this way and that so I can rub my deodorant all over it. No need to purchase a second product that does the same thing. There’s good news and bad news about that. The good news is, I stay fresh all day long, and if you don’t believe me, I invite you to let me press my groin against your face. The bad news is, if for any reason you have to borrow my deodorant, like during a sleepover or we went camping and you packed poorly, please keep in mind that you are basically rubbing my balls all over your armpits.

So, here’s the upcoming forecast from Squirties the Pug: “Hot”

There you go. You’re getting your forecast from a dog now, so there’s no need for Fox25 to pay Cindy Fitzgibbons or Kevin “Weather Cyborg” Lemanowicz $250,000 a year when they can just do a 10 second screenshot of the forecast and move onto Sports.