"Fuck off, bird."

Boston, MA – By the time he was 20, it was evident Jesus was going to be nothing more than a drywall hanger. He had started rumors around Bethlehem that he was a Master Carpenter, but the fact was, he was merely a laborer. He had also racked up 3 OSHA violations. One time he dropped a load of shingles off a roof and nearly killed a chestnut vendor. When asked about his carelessness, he said “Hey, I’m sorry about what happened to that Chinaman, but shit happens. Especially when Ching Chong Chan there decided to park his fucking nut wagon directly below my scaffolding.” Jesus was also known to be a bit ornery on the job. Once, when framing a doorway, a foreman asked Jesus why the trim was out of whack, asking him if he used a tape measure. Jesus replied “No, I measured it with my dick. Of course I used a tape measure.” And with that, he left to make yet another run to Dunkin’s. One of the reasons why he was never taken seriously is because he took 7 or 8 breaks during the day. He was constantly antagonizing the Mexicans at work, inquiring about their citizenship and suggesting he had seen some of their mothers prostituting. People around Bethlehem thought he was a bit of a fitness freak, because he would ride his bike to and from his job every day. What they didn’t know, because in those days they didn’t have a police log, was that Jesus had his license revoked because of 4 chariot-related DUI’s. He was also kicked off another job site when the foreman caught him burping his rhino in the passenger seat of a delivery van. Jesus just shrugged and said “Hey, I’m only human. BiBi Jones is posting videos of herself grinding on her furniture to Twitter, and I couldn’t fucking take it anymore.”

Peace be with you.

Rev. Martin