"I should have brought my auger"

Scenario: It’s Halloween night, and you’re alone in a cemetery. You’ve got a lantern, a canteen of water, a shovel and some beef jerky for energy. You notice there’s a full moon and suddenly feel that you’re being watched by an owl. For some reason, people are afraid of owls even though there’s not a single shred of evidence showing owls are to be feared. They basically sit there motionless on a branch like they’re waiting to be punched. In fact, the only owl you have may have had any experience with at all is Woodsy the Owl, who goes down in history as one of the cuntiest tattletales of all time. Remember “Give a hoot, don’t pollute!”? Those commercials haven’t been on in ages, but I still smile and think about that neckless feathered rat whenever I dump leftover fiberglass insulation at the bird sanctuary in Newton. Let’s get you back to the cemetery. You really have to use your imagination here, and try to forget about laws, and “right and wrong”, and the ghastly sights and smells of actually digging up and opening a casket. Okay, you’re ready. You have one hour. Which dead famous chick would you dig up and make love to? DIG! (Update: A few readers have emailed in and asked if they need to wear protection. Nope! This is your hour, feel free to bury one in there. Pun intended. But, please have some decency and put everything back where you found it when you’re finished.)

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