Boston, MA – This just in! The sporting world has literally just been rocked to its’ core when “I’ll Have Another”, the favorite to win the first Triple Crown in 40 years at the Belmont Stakes, pulled his ball muscles, groin, and obliques this morning while trying to blow himself in the stables. And here I was all this time, thinking that when you have a thoroughbred of this pedigree, there would just be a long line of mares traipsing all over the joint, waving their pussies around and blowing him through a gate. Good for him for trying to reach it himself, though, as none of us have any idea how one of those female or bi-curious horses would give oral with those big choppers. This way was better for him, I just feel bad that he couldn’t reach.
Anyway, this blow (sure, pun intended) to horse-racing is oddly reminiscient of the time I had a huge payout coming for a wager I laid down on Big Brown 5 years ago. I was already being congratulated by my friends when Big Brown, also attempting to complete the Triple Crown, blew a tire on the back stretch, and to this day I’m not even sure if that fucking asshole finished the race.
Probably the only way for me to take solace in losing that $60 is to think about all the people that paid outrageous prices for flights, hotels, and tickets to the Belmont Stakes and are probably getting shitfaced right now with no idea the historic event they were going to see will now have all the excitment and importance of seeing Swifty at Wonderland.