The Hot (literally) New Popular Beauty Trend Is (drumroll) Vaginal Steaming!

“If you steam it, they will come”

DailyMail UK – Vaginal steaming has been named as one of the most sought-after beauty treatments of 2019, four years after the procedure first shot to global fame when it was featured on Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website Goop. 

According to Yelp, the controversial treatment is one of 13 beauty trends that have proven to be extra popular over the past year, despite coming under fire from experts who have warned that it could lead to burns and infection. 

The online business directory released the list of beauty trends in honor of its 15th anniversary, revealing how beauty lovers have made a move away from more old-school treatments like lash tinting and bikini waxing in favor of more modern procedures like microneedling and hydrafacials. However, obstetrician and gynecologist Dr. Carolyn DeLucia, a partner at New York-based women’s health spa VSPOT, insists any issues that may arise from vaginal steaming treatments are a result of the procedure being done incorrectly. According to Dr. Lucia, ‘The V-steam as we do it at VSPOT allows therapeutic herbs to emulsify around the labia majora. The one misconception is that the steam is directly going up the vaginal canal.’

To be clear, I did not want to report on this. What kind of ‘expert’ has been sitting around for a couple years going “you know what, someday my phone is gonna ring, and they’re gonna ask me if there are any health concerns that can be caused by steaming a vagina”? Is there a certificate program you can enroll in for that at the University of Phoenix? If you stick around long enough to get your doctorate, does that mean you’ve earned a VhD? If they ever made a spinoff of a famous medical tv show, would it be called “Snapper John, MD”? Anyway, there are simply too many parts down there to keep track of as far as I’m concerned. They have a labia majora, which sounds like it must be the big part. If the presence of a majora indicates there’s a smaller, labia minora, well, I’m pretty sure that means I’m never gonna find it. In fact, if they ever made one of those ♫ Nationwide is on your siiide ♫ jingles for me, it would go ♫ I can’t find the clitorisss ♫ .

I’ll be honest, when it comes to beauty, the vagina could definitely use a lot of help. I’m not sure pointing a miniature Dyson steam cleaner at it is going to get the job done, either. Will it look like it was covered in a fresh meadow dew as the sun just barely crests over the horizon? Yeah, I don’t know either, because they’re never gonna have a commercial for it. I just don’t see why women need to add yet another action item to their beauty regimen, when they could just splash a little KY jelly down there and call it a day. If you think that vagina feels pretty good after it’s been steamed, then you’re gonna love KY because it’s like that thing has been hit by a fucking tidal wave. I remember the first time I used KY, the room was really dark and I think too much came out of the bottle, because the chick whispered “where are you?” and I was like “I’m over here” after sliding off the bed and out into the hall.

Ladies, you’re perfectly fine and natural down there. Provided you’ve been making regular visits to your doctor, you’re good, trust us. But beware, because this procedure is being shilled by Gwyneth Paltrow, who knows the majority will believe anything that is printed in these online rags. What it really boils down to is, people with too much time, and too much money, trying to dictate how others should live (while potentially profiting from it.) How about spending more time working on your personal relationships with friends and family, and less time worrying about getting your clam all steamy?

After reading the article together, while holding hands in bed, I asked my wife if she was going to steam her vagina, and she goes, “no, my pussy’s already hot enough, heyoo.”

The end.

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