This Story Gives A Whole New Meaning To The Term “Dick Wrecker”

“Victoria Frabutt, alleged penis hacker off-er”

NY POSTVictoria Frabutt faces malicious castration charges for allegedly committing the heinous act at her Newport home, news station WITN reported.

Deputies were called around 4 a.m. early Tuesday after Victoria  allegedly mutilated her 61-year-old hubby, James Frabutt, according to Carteret County Maj. Jason Wank. Wank said that deputies were able to locate the detached body part and placed it on ice. It wasn’t immediately known whether doctors were able to reattach the severed member.

The injured husband was brought to Vidant Medical Center, where his condition is unknown, according to WITN. The motive behind Frabutt’s alleged action was not immediately clear, authorities said. Victoria was also charged with kidnapping and booked on $100,000 bond. She’s set to appear in court Wednesday.

Well, where to begin? So many angles on this unplanned, and absolutely unauthorized dickectomy. There is no way Mrs. Frabutt has a license to practice dick medicine. And, unless this guy is guilty of something so vile, so despicable, that it would even make Jeffrey Epstein’s ghost blush, then I simply cannot stand for guys having their dicks hacked off. We just cannot have it in our society. Did he cheat on her? Maybe, I mean, scroll back up and have another look for yourself. But to hack off a dick? Come on, that’s a bit extreme and seriously not fair. You want to spike his Gatorade with antifreeze until his pancreas falls out his bhole, fine. While I’m staunchly opposed to poisoning your spouse, I would have preferred it in this case because, like god (?), I feel strongly about men having the right to take their dicks with them from the starting line all the way to the finish line.

Now, as if all this hackin’ and sawin’ and gnawin’ wasn’t bad enough, you have these poor cops walking around the lawn looking for Mr. Frabutt’s missing dick. We’ll never know if they actually put out an APB (aka All Penis Bulletin) on this thing, but can you even imagine the call coming in over the radio?

Dispatcher: “We have a domestic dispute over in Carteret County.”

Cop: “On my way, roger, breaker breaker, over and out” (or whatever they say)

Dispatcher: “All units, be advised, you are gonna need flashlights, and hopefully one of y’all have an old Taco Bell cup with ice in it and some salad tongs.”

Still, I would have liked to have seen the look on the doctor’s face when they brought this thing to the hospital. He was probably like “What’s this, a Dr. Pepper, for me? OH, IT’S THE DICK? You guys brought me the dick in a Taco Bell cup? omg, that’s cute, and I appreciate your level of confidence, but who am I, Dr. Frankenstein over here? You may as well toss that thing in the rubbish bin.”

Anyway, I cannot be the only person who was reading this story and said, outloud, “you have got to be kidding” when it was mentioned the spokesman’s name is Major Wank.

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